Quarterbacks commonly are referred to as field generals. Bill Simmons likes to watch movies.
So he smushed the two together and came up with his quarterback rankings as portrayed by favorite war movies of his generation.
I recommend reading the whole spiel, but I'm sharing his AFC East entries.
3. Tom Brady, Patriots: He's listed under "Three Kings" between Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers. All of them are behind No. 1 Drew Brees, who's by his lonesome under "Glory." Simmons points to a "monster Brady fantasy season" because he has the weapons and the Patriots have a "potentially lousy defense" that could increase Brady's number of possessions.
Seems a little high? Know that Football Outsiders had him ranked first in its adjusted rankings -- on top of the yearly reality that he doesn't get eight home games in a dome like Brees or Manning, FO calculates that he played the hardest schedule of pass defense opponents of any QB since 1993 -- and remember that it takes two years to fully recover from reconstructive knee surgery.
19. Chad Henne, Dolphins: He and Raiders quarterback Jason Campbell comprise the "The Thin Red Line" category. On Simmons' Backhanded Compliment Scale for quarterbacks, he rated Henne an 8.5 between "He's not pretty, but he's pretty effective," and "You could make the playoffs with this guy."
Sanchez's second year is threatening to play out like a "Tosh.0" clip in which a dumb teenager walking a tightrope between two apartment building roofs ends up plunging head-first into a dumpster. During the latest "Hard Knocks," @KristerJohnson tweeted me, "Mark Sanchez is the most charismatic, entertaining mediocre QB I've ever seen." Thought that summed it up.
30. Trent Edwards, Bills: He's in the worst grouping, "Apocalypse Now."
It's always fun when a QB sucks, but especially when fans are in deep denial and say things like, "If he had time to throw, I think he'd have a chance to be good" (like Bills fans do with Edwards). ... Deep denial. It's a dangerous drug.