Here at ESPNBoston.com, we just received a copy of Ben Cherington’s to-do list for his first day on the job as Red Sox general manager.
We cannot tell you who leaked this information to us, other than to say it was an anonymous team source who said he feared for his job.
He also said he feared spider monkeys, listeria outbreaks and Japanese monster flicks.
Anyway, after we uncrumpled the piece of paper, scrubbed off the coffee stains and tipped the janitor 20 bucks, this is what we learned. Exclusively.
1.Check to make sure Theo left behind John Henry’s secret phone number.
2.Send flowers to Linda Pizzutti, and hope she recognizes the name.
3.Ask Lucchino for a key to the executive washroom. No more walking down to the men’s room behind the third-base grandstand.
4.Cancel house account at Popeye’s.
5.Ask Boras if it’s now OK to call him “Scott.”
6.Call Duquette, and tell him that just because he gave you your first job with the Red Sox he doesn’t get to crash the GM suite whenever he likes.
7.Tell Pedroia that playing cribbage will not be part of the manager interview process.
8.Remind people that I’m an Amherst man, and it was Steinbrenner who went to Williams.
9.Shred all personal notes to Theo telling him it was a good idea to sign Lackey. Do same for Lugo, Daisuke, and Mike Cameron.
10.Tell Theo he forgot one of his guitars. On second thought, smash it to pieces. Eddie Vedder will get him another one.
11.Watch tapes of last time I was named Red Sox GM, and leave a voice mail to Hoyer cackling, “Ha, ha, this time the job’s all mine.’’
12.Throw away voodoo doll bought after Theo came back.
13.Call Father Paul O’Brien, the priest who offers mass before Sunday games, and tell him that from now on, prayers have to be answered or else. No more Erik Bedards.
14.Announce that all pitchers will be required to run half-marathon on first day of spring training, and anyone who fails to finish will accompany me on my 5-mile morning run every day until the opener.
15.Keep straight face when Henry says his comment about not wanting Crawford was all a misunderstanding.
16. Reminder that after press conference, Channels 4, 5, 7, Fox, ESPN, Comcast, ‘EEI, Sports Hub, and the Learning Channel will all want one-on-ones. Resist urge to wrap microphone around reporter’s neck after he asks same question for 100th time.
17.Do not get suckered into making a bet on who makes World Series first, Cubs or Sox.
18.Tell fans I shared their pain after September collapse. Lift up my shirt and show them scar where I stabbed myself with souvenir Sox pen after last loss in Baltimore.
19.DO NOT, under any circumstances, answer “How the hell should I know?” when someone asks who the next Sox manager will be.
20.Make sure contract wasn’t signed with invisible ink.