Tale of the Tape: Drake and Chris Brown

Drake and Chris Brown, back when they could be in the same spot without fisticuffs ensuing. Shareif Ziyadat/FilmMagic/Getty Images

Aubrey Drake Graham and Christopher Maurice Brown, otherwise known as pop superstars Drake and Just The Worst Human Possible, have been really steamed at one another since their notorious kerfuffle at a NYC social lounge last month. Lots of ornery words exchanged, etc.

To capitalize on all of the hissy fitting, celebrity boxing promoter David Feldman and rich guy Alki David offered the two a million bucks a piece to slap it out in the ring—an offer to which neither Drake nor Brown responded. Undeterred by their silence, Feldman and David have now come back offering a $10 million purse, with $9 million going to the victor and a meager million going to the loser.

With Pacquiao and Mayweather earning between $20 million and $40 million a bout, you’d have to expect that egomaniacs like Drake and Brown wouldn’t step in the ring unless they were offered something similar. But just for poops and giggles, let’s take a look at a hypothetical tale of the tape and see who might come out on top.

Seems like a pretty even matchup. But if I had to pick, I’d say the winner would be…Tony Parker. He’d sneak up from behind, bash ‘em over the head with a cartoon mallet. Dude nearly lost his eye, and now he might miss the Olympics. It’s time for a little street justice.