A's pitcher inspires new ideas for Kiss Cam

Fandom offers ideas for Kiss Cam operators to supplant homophobia with actual entertainment. Noah Graham/NBAE/Getty Images

Abnormally funny A’s pitcher Brandon McCarthy has long been a must-follow on the Twitter circuit for his spot-on skewering of all the stupidest elements of our culture (to wit: ”GoDaddy commercials are Affliction T-shirts for our televisions.”). He recently stepped up his game by attacking the Kiss Cam, or more particularly the common bit where the camera guy singles out two dudes and we’re all supposed to laugh at the idea of two dudes kissing.

“They put two guys on the 'Kiss Cam' tonight. What hilarity!! (by hilarity I mean offensive homophobia). Enough with this stupid trend,” McCarthy tweeted.

He later clarified his point, explaining that it’s offensive to gay males to imply that it would be funny for two guys to kiss.

His point is a good one. The bit is just as offensive as it is hackneyed, and if stadiums are going to keep the Kiss Cam segment alive, they should start picking better targets. But what kinds of pairings should the camera guys use? How can they improve on the existing Kiss Cam model to make it funnier? We have some suggestions.

Be looking for:

  • Anyone with a neck brace and literally anyone else.

  • A team executive and a commoner.

  • A kid who looks like Fuller from “Home Alone” and a girl who looks like Buzz’s girlfriend from “Home Alone.”

  • Two formerly gay guys celebrating their graduation from one of those make-me-straight camps.

  • An opposing fan and a mascot, except the mascot’s mouth is secretly filled with mousetraps.

  • A really goofy dad in light '90s jeans and his whiny, embarrassed teenage daughter.

  • A sorority girl in a tiara celebrating her birthday and an old leathery guy with a tracheotomy hole.