For as long as the owners continue to hold the 2012-13 NHL season hostage, more and more players will begin looking elsewhere for something to do with their time.
Monster talents like Evgeni Malkin, Pavel Datsyuk, and Alexander Ovechkin already have jumped ship to play for Russian teams with melodious names like Metallurg Magnitogorsk, leaving it likely that even more big-name players will wrest their talents from Gary Bettman’s tentacular clutch and try something new.
So that got us wondering: What will other NHL players do while waiting for the lockout to end? It’s tough to say, but we can make some educated guesses.
The Sedins: Two frolicsome redheaded twins, the Sedins will swap identities in order to trick their divorced parents into getting back together. The two will cleverly arrange for their parents to reunite on a camping trip full of wackiness (“You can’t put a hockey puck on a s’more!”) and renewed love. But will their parents decide to get remarried? To find out, watch the 1998 film “The Parent Trap,” starring Lindsay Lohan.
Sidney Crosby: Bored and fidgety at an NHL Players’ Association meeting, Crosby will let out loud, exasperated sighs every 10 seconds, which everyone will do their best to ignore. Eager for everyone’s attention, he’ll then dive to the floor and clutch his knee, accusing NHLPA executive director Donald Fehr of hitting him from behind. Still, no one will pay attention to him, so he’ll storm off and spend the next 10 months holed up in his room, reading back issues of Tiger Beat and texting “do u like me? yes no or maybe” to girls he meets in the Sidney Crosby fan club message boards.
Scott Hartnell: Scott Hartnell! What will Scott Hartnell and his huge Scott Hartnell hair do to pass the time during the lockout? Play in Switzerland, maybe? High-five his reflection in the mirror for days on end? Hijack a Zamboni and do burnouts on the commissioner’s lawn? Or maybe he’ll seduce the Sedins’ mom into hightailing out of town on a boss ’94 Honda Cruiser, leaving the twins whimpering in its dank exhaust. Who knows! The guy looks just like Ms. Frizzle!
Patrick Kane: Imagine a slug. Imagine that slug slowly beginning to swell, slowly bloating and blackening till it looks like a regulation football dipped in coal tar. This is similar to what Patrick Kane will do to his liver during the lockout.
(P.S., not implying Kane enjoys alcohol. Dude’s just really into big ol’ livers, is all.)
Steven Stamkos: Steven Stamkos will try to stay in shape by playing pickup games of pond hockey, but, living in South Florida, he’ll find himself burned in the first scrimmage under the awkward weight of his equipment.
Zdeno Chara: Zdeno Chara will return home to play in another league -- his home being a forgotten land of ancient lore, a land where men of immense bulk and stature chop wood till dusk and store mystical critters in their voluminous, unkempt beards. A land of giants.
“Lord Zdeno, you’ve come back to us!” all his giant minions will cry. And then, together, they’ll rejoice in his return, chasing shot after shot of ambrosia with hearty tankards of mead, whooping merrily beneath the incandescent moon.
In the morning, they’ll corral for a game of hockey, which they play not with sticks and pucks but rather colossal oaken logs and round, frictionless otters. But the game will come to a tragic end when Chara topples over and squashes Bruins teammate Tyler Seguin, who was secretly following him all along.