Suspicious modifications to NFL rulebook

OK guys, so something weird is going on. Last night I checked the NFL rulebook to make sure I wasn’t missing anything, to be 100 percent sure the refs blew the call, and sure enough, it was a blown call indeed.

But this morning I decided to double check just to be 200 percent sure, and something seems a little off to me. You don’t think the league tampered with anything, do you?

The NFL rulebook Article 3, Item 5:

Simultaneous Catch. If a pass is caught simultaneously by two eligible opponents, and both players retain it, the ball belongs to the passers. It is not a simultaneous catch if a player gains control first and an opponent subsequently gains joint control. Unless, y’know, it just feels right. Like remember that Malcolm Gladwell book about how your gut reaction is, like, wayyyyyyy more accurate than your actual conscious judgments about stuff? You gotta keep that in mind in these sorts of situations because that’s legitimate behavioral economics -- not just some silly speculation about what a camera may or may not have “shown.”

Honestly, these calls are so instinctive, so inherently natural, that it seems almost silly to employ highly qualified officials, doesn’t it? Even 4-year-olds have a intrinsic sense of when things are right and when something’s a little amiss -- “Daddy, the offensive team’s pass interference was of no real consequence on the outcome of the play, and, also, I did an uh-oh on my sheets” -- so what’s the point in spending untold sums of money that could otherwise go toward creating JOBS for AMERICA via trickle down from this country’s PATRIOTIC titans of industry on exorbitant ENTITLEMENT packages for SOCIALIST referees who “credibly” enforce rules and defend player “safety” at the expense of the AMERICAN DREAM? #LIBERTY #FORDTRUCKS #SATURATEDFATS #HULKHOGAN-GOODELL2016.

This is America’s game, and we won’t let it be perverted by money-gobbling referees who’ll only blow their jewel-encrusted whistles if they get their ritzy defined-benefit retirement fortunes, especially when we have exceedingly capable replacements from the Lingerie Football League/high schools/migrant labor syndicates who’ll honorably officiate for a crisp five dollar bill and a tall glass of Ovaltine.

Protect. The. Shield.

And, even if a referee were to hypothetically muff a call on a simultaneous catch, hypothetically screwing over some clowns from a state whose chief exports are cheese and triple chins, the ruling on the field would stand and the result of the game would be final. And everyone would go drink an ice-cold Fresca and forget about it.