Thanks to the struggling economy and the ingenuity of Americans, the do-it-yourself (DIY) movement has blossomed into a huge industry. Crafting, the term used for covering every surface in your home with decorative junk, is a $30 billion industry.
With quick and simple guides, people all over the country and across the globe are creating things on their own. But there’s no reason to limit ourselves to traditional DIY realms like crafting and making some sort of “eccentric” picture frame out of shards of dried gourds or using an old Mason jar and a shoelace to create your own scented candles.
We can bring DIY to the sports world, too. Try out some of these projects!
Become a Professional Sports Team Owner
1. Make a ton of money in business and buy a sports team, or have your dad give you his team for free.
2. Claim you have no money whenever it comes time to negotiate a new collective bargaining agreement with your players or officials.
Build a Stadium
1. Sell your city on the huge windfall of riches that will come its way if you get a new stadium.
2. Say that you can finance only a small portion of the stadium because, unfortunately, you don’t yet have the riches the stadium will bring you and everyone else.
3. Receive public money via tax increases.
4. Receive sweetheart loans and tax-free bonds.
5. Build stadium.
7. Repeat as needed every few decades.
Become a MLB Closer
1. Learn how to throw a baseball really fast.
2. Fail as a major league starting pitcher.
3. Grow incredibly stupid facial hair.
4. Pick an intimidating entrance song for the ninth inning.
Become a Mascot
1. Develop the skill of wackiness.
2. Stifle the natural urge to want to make your parents proud.
3. Stifle the natural urge to become nauseated due to being trapped in a costume coffin with the intense smell of your own body odor and scalp.
4. Learn how to safely operate a T-shirt cannon.
Be a Replacement Referee
1. Don’t really follow sports all that closely.
2. Wait until a sports league has a labor dispute with its officials.
3. Buy a referee shirt at a uniform store.
4. Grab a whistle.
5. Show up at a stadium on game day.
Get a Standing Ovation before a Sellout Crowd
1. Become an outstanding athlete and do something awesome in a game.
2. If that is too difficult, just drink a lot of beer, strip down to your underwear and run onto the field, evading security for a minute or two before you are crushed by a tackle from a police officer who used to be a Division I-AA linebacker.
Become a NASCAR Driver
1. Sit in a really fast stock car.
2. Press the gas all the way down to the floor.
3. Turn left.
Make a NASCAR Joke
1. Don’t put any thought into it.
2. Just say something about how they frequently turn left.
Win an Olympic Medal
1. Train your entire life in one niche sport, forgoing most of your childhood and the human emotion of happiness.
2. Don’t have a bad day on the day of the competition.
Run a Fantasy League
1. Send about 150 emails scheduling the league draft.
2. Collect the league dues at the draft.
3. Assume you are going to win the league and spend all of the money.
4. Panic when your team doesn’t even make the playoffs.
5. Sell some plasma at a shady medical research lab in a mini-mall to make up the $400.
Win the Tour de France
1. Train constantly.
2. Do what everyone else does.
3. Pretend you didn’t do what everyone else does.
4. Don’t fail a drug test somehow.
5. Win the Tour de France.
Keep a Tour de France Title Permanently
Be the General Manager of the New York Yankees
1. Offer huge free-agent contracts to players you have heard of.
Date a Kardashian
1. Become a professional athlete.
2. Stifle the natural urge to make your parents proud.
Create a College Football Team’s New Uniform
1. Buy some paper and crayons.
2. Put the paper and crayons out on a table.
3. Go to the worst corner in your neighborhood.
4. Ask the guy standing there for some acid.
5. Go back to your house and sit down at the table with the paper and crayons.
6. Drop acid.
Become a sportswriter
1. Write entire columns centered on very flimsy ideas that probably would have been better as a short blog item or even a tweet.
2. Write short sentences. Pretend it’s so you are readable. But the real reason? You can’t write good.
3. Write even shorter “paragraphs.”
4. To fill space.
5. Like this.
6. Mercilessly rip athletes, like that useless bum Chris Johnson.
7. End your column when you run out of things to say.