Dwight Howard is campaigning for your hatred, and boy has it been a busy election season.
In less than a year he’s managed to blow off multiple fan bases, ruin hundreds of little kids’ summers, and throw his teammates and superiors under an endless succession of buses.
At this point, he’s about one bratty display of insubordination from becoming the most hated athlete in America.
Which would be a nice change. Who wants to rip on LeBron anymore? Did you see all his charming Instagram shots from the Olympics? Seems like he has a heart and stuff now.
But not Dwight Howard. Instead of a heart he has an old can of motor oil that harbors sickly rodents. The word getting around to sportswriters is that he once crop-dusted Nancy Reagan, and that he walked out of “Toy Story 3” to watch “Hot Tub Time Machine.”
And now there’s this: Howard has invited fans to choose his new nickname, but only after realizing that the one he picked for himself wouldn’t work. The nickname he originally wanted was Iron Man. Why? Because when you miss a good chunk of the previous season to back surgery and you’ve only just now been cleared for gentle scrimmaging with teammates, the logical conclusion to reach is that you’re an iron-strong man with an impenetrable physique and the determination to muscle through any and all pain.
We can do better than Iron Man, right? We’ve included a short list of potential nicknames to help get your juices flowing, but we’re depending on you to give the man a nickname that’ll stick for the rest of his career. Leave your ideas in the comments, and whoever comes up with the best moniker will win a personal visit from Dwight Howard, during which you’ll be forced to listen patiently as he rattles off all the different watches he can afford.
• A’ight Howard
• Clark Can’t
• Howard the Duck
• The Wack Mamba
• The Dwighty Dwighty Bosstone
• Count Blockula
• HONY 2012
• Lucius Van Gundy
• Metta World Dwight
• The Unlikable Prima Donna from Atlanta
• Basketball Judas
• Dwight at the Museum 3, starring Dwight Howard and Chumlee from “Pawn Stars”
• The Colossus of Pout
• Vinegar Badger
• Dwight D. Eisenhoward
• The Patricia Heaton of Post Presence
• The Pick-and-Roll Puggle
• The Whimper Wolf
• Dwight “Notably Bigger Baby” Howard
• Ol’ Mutant Shoulders