The NBA, jealous of the NHL’s showy contempt for its players, has decided to take away all the beloved pregame rituals that make us happy and help us cope with these terrible, terrible times.
Once player introductions are finished, 90 seconds will be put on the game clock. In that time, players must remove their walk-from-the-locker-room clothes and hustle a zillion feet over to center court for tipoff.
If the players are late, they’ll be issued a delay-of-game warning. If the team’s mascot is still hamming it up on the court, he will either be dragged out of sight and neutered or euthanized on the spot.
Pregame rituals have been a cherished part of the game since the '60s, when Wilt Chamberlain would randomly select 13 concubines from the crowd and hypnotize them with his musk, the fans all the while going berserk for his lustful antics.
Nowadays, nearly every player in the league has some sort of ceremonial routine he goes through to help him get hyped for the game. What will the players do now in lieu of their customary pregame hullabaloo? Well, we can certainly speculate.
Instead of tossing up a cloud of chalk and triggering allergy attacks among everyone in the first five rows per usual, LeBron James will now take a more time-sensitive approach and hurl chicken-nugget-size chunks of asbestos at fans from center court.
The Charlotte Bobcats, instead of cowering inside a blanket fort for five minutes to avoid making eye contact with their fans, will now do the same thing but only for a minute and a half.
Without enough time to hug the ball passionately before tipoff, Tim Duncan will now let the ball know he loves it from the locker room by sending it a naughty yet playful sext.
Jeremy Lin will reflect on the magic that was Linsanity for 90 seconds, which is fitting, as Linsanity was only a thing for roughly 90 seconds.
Having head-butted the protective padding under the hoop night after night for the first 17 years of his career, subtly concussing himself before every game, Kevin Garnett will now be able to play with mental clarity for the first time ever; as a result, he will average 108 rebounds a game.
Unlike before, when he would eat a live baby goat, then tear through the 100-level emitting a hellish reptilian shriek, Chris Bosh will now simply jog out on the court and wave to the fans.
What else to expect? Let us know in the comments. The most ridiculous suggestion wins a complimentary pushup lesson from Kevin Love.