Week 7 of the 2012 NFL season is in the books. That’s good. Maybe people will read books again.
Here are your rankings of all things power.
1. The rolling calamity that is the Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: NR)
Quick! Name two things NFL fans love to make fun of! There’s a good chance you came back with the Cleveland Browns and Tim Tebow. Well, the Chiefs' new starting quarterback was dumped by the Browns and then became a third-stringer behind Tebow (and Kyle Orton!).
Quick! Name the team you should be making fun of instead of the Browns! Yes! You got it. It’s the Chiefs.
2. Andy Reid’s farewell tour (Last week: 1)
Andy Reid is a perfect 13-0 for his career after bye weeks. Unfortunately, the Eagles come off their bye this week with a game at Atlanta. Too bad. That undefeated mark would have been a great bullet point to put on his résumé in January.
3. Norv Turner’s inevitable dismissal (Last week: 2)
The Chargers are being investigated for using Stickum, which I presume is a mysterious adhesive that can keep a coach affixed to a team long after he should have been fired.
4. Putting the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl (Last week: 3)
This is a power rankings. It’s all about what a team has done lately. The Falcons did squat last week. Don’t give me the “bye week” excuse. Power rankings rules are power rankings rules. They drop a spot.
5. Reading about RG3 becoming the new NFL quarterback prototype (Last week: 6)
What an amazing comeback win he orchestrated over the Giants! RG3 is the most unstoppable weapon in the NFL! (I wrote those two sentences before Eli Manning messed them up. I’m not changing them just because Eli had to go be a jerk and ruin everyone’s narrative.)
6. Reading negative stories about Cam Newton (Last week: NR)
Is he selfish? A whiner? A poor leader? A coach killer? Upset that RG3 stole his extremely exciting losses act? He should have trademarked doing that like Tim Tebow did with Tebowing.
7. Forgetting Andrew Luck exists (Last week: 7)
And he is?
8. Packers celebrations (Last week: 9)
Two wins in a row? Impressive. That should extend to three this week against Jacksonville – assuming the Packers haven’t spent the entire week practicing touchdown and tackle celebration moves.
9. Bye weeks (Last week: 13)
The bye weeks are killing the schedule. Last week we had only two late afternoon games to choose from. It’s the same this week. And both weeks one of those late games has featured the Raiders. We have only one late afternoon game to choose from!
10. Rams kicking things (Last week: 12)
Guess who the most popular Rams players are in London? Yep. The kicker and punter. Let’s say this is because soccer is so big in London and not because the Rams have no players anyone has ever heard of.
11. TV ratings (Last week: 5)
If the World Series goes seven games, four of the games will be up against the NFL: Thursday, then Sunday, Monday and next Thursday for Game 7. If Game 7 of the World Series is beaten by Chiefs-Chargers on the NFL Network, it’s probably time to cancel the sport of baseball.
12. Scoring (Last week: 4)
There were some low-scoring games in Week 7, but the defenses of the Ravens and Redskins did their part again to make sure points were scored. The state of Maryland is essentially now the world’s largest end zone. Simply cross the border into Maryland and you are awarded six points.
13. Putting the New York Giants in the Super Bowl (Last week: 22)
Why win a game at the beginning when you can just come back at the end? Eli Manning: ELITE procrastinator.
14. Putting the Houston Texans in the Super Bowl (Last week: 17)
How can two NFC teams be ranked higher than the top AFC team as a Super Bowl contender? Two reasons: (1) power rankings contain no logic and little thought; (2) have you watched the AFC this year? It’s very possible none of the teams in it will make the Super Bowl.
15. Injuries (Last week: NR)
Cheer up, players who got injured this week. You’re just months, days, maybe even hours away from coming back stronger than ever like Adrian Peterson and Terrell Suggs. In fact, teams who want to peak for the playoffs should begin snapping their limbs right now.
16. Chris Johnson being the worst player ever (Last week: 14)
Wow! What a performance! You should definitely put him in your fantasy lineup for when he does that again this year. Now you just have to figure out which week that will be. Good luck!
17. Naughty language (Last week: 11)
I am all for players eschewing naughty language if they have decided to insult opposing players in a more clever way.
18. Freaking out about the Cowboys (Last week: 8 )
They won. In unimpressive fashion. But it’s getting harder to freak out about a team so decidedly mediocre. It’s like complaining that your oatmeal is bland.
19. Freaking out about the Jets (Last week: 16)
They’re the same as the Cowboys, only less talented. If you could make an entire NFL team out of Dez Bryant’s hands, it would be the Jets.
20. Defense (Last week: 21)
Ndamukong Suh almost broke a man in half over his knee. So that’s a promising sign?
21. Peyton Manning (Last week: 19)
He had a bye week and his brother led a big comeback. That’s worth a drop of two positions! Way to accomplish nothing for a whole week of your life. I don’t want any of your free pizzas, loser.
22. Putting the 49ers in the Super Bowl (Last week: 23)
They got a win over Russell Wilson and the Seahawks. This season has shown that’s not easy to do even when you do it.
23. Jay Cutler being Jay Cutler (Last week: 20)
The Bears are 5-1 and in first place. Something doesn’t feel right. Jay Cutler being Jay Cutler is supposed to have more strife. Something’s up. Don’t be surprised if the Bears make it to the Super Bowl and then Cutler blows it off. “Really? You people care about the Super Bowl? So pathetic.”
24. Tim Tebow (Last week: 18)
The world’s most muscular decoy. If the “Avengers” movie just featured brief cameos by Hulk to help his friends open jar lids, that would be Tebow’s 2012 season.
25. “Madden” curse (Last week: 25)
Calvin Johnson is healthy, but the Lions have the second-worst record in the NFC. Is that the curse? The Lions stinking? Seen it. Lamest, most derivative curse ever.
26. Putting the Patriots in the Super Bowl (Last week: 26)
The Jets accused the Patriots of running an illegal offense this week. If that’s true, look out for the Patriots. They’re always Super Bowl contenders when they cheat. It’s about time they got back to what made them successful in the first place.
27. Despicable fan behavior (Last week: 15)
This is about the lowest this one could go. Just walk into the bathroom at any stadium and note the state of the floor. You will lose faith in humanity.
28. Paul Tagliabue (Last week: NR)
“Hey, Paul. It’s Roger. Everyone hates me. Would you mind upholding some of my player suspensions for me to make it look fair? It will be hilarious. Call me when you get this.”
29. Putting the Ravens in the Super Bowl (Last week: 24)
Don’t write this team off just because it has a porous defense, a below-average quarterback and a ton of injuries. Wait. That didn’t come out right. I don’t know. If you can think of anything positive about the Ravens right now, feel free to rewrite the sentence.
30. Brandon Weeden jokes (Last week: 29)
Don’t look now – and why would you, you would see the Browns and no one wants that – but Weeden has shown improvement three weeks in a row. Unfortunately, the Browns have a new owner and will have a new GM so they’ll probably want to start fresh with a new quarterback.
Therefore, because it’s the Browns, Weeden will then leave Cleveland and have a Hall of Fame career as the greatest old-man quarterback in history.
31. Roger Goodell (Last week: 32)
Everyone is down on Goodell this year. But he has stayed focused on the important issues impacting the NFL. Yes, he’s still contemplating what to do with the Pro Bowl. Great job, Rog.
32. Saying Joe Flacco is ELITE (Last week: 28)
A week ago this category’s write-up read as follows: “His team’s defense is decimated and Baltimore is playing high-powered Houston on the road this week. If Flacco can pull out a win, he may secure his ELITENESS.”
The Ravens lost 43-13 and Flacco put up the worst single-game QBR rating since the stat was invented. RIP Joe Flacco’s ELITENESS: September 2012 to October 2012. But let it bring you some peace to know that Flacco’s ELITENESS will live on for eternity in his mind.
Dropping out: Random people talking about the NFL, regular refs, Felix Jones’ fantasy stock