Another week has come and gone in the NFL, which means it’s time for another power rankings. Guess what? Everything you thought you knew has completely changed. Again. You’re so dumb.
1. Andrew Luck (Last week: 12)
All season this item has been labeled “Forgetting Andrew Luck exists,” thanks to the No. 1 overall pick being overshadowed by RG3. No more! America had an election this week and, whether you like them or not, the results were clear. It’s time to throw RG3 on the scrap heap of history with Cam Newton.
2. Andy Reid’s farewell tour (Last week: 3)
This is getting hard to watch. The other teams should at least have the common courtesy to give Reid gifts before each game of his farewell tour. How is Andy Reid worse than Chipper Jones? Other than not ever winning anything, of course.
3. TV ratings (Last week: 7)
More Americans have watched the NFL this year than voted in Tuesday’s presidential election. And that figure isn’t skewed by age. It holds up for those of voting age, too. So more people are interested in football than America. Wow. We may be nearing the administration of a President Goodell. There will be no taxes. Only fines. We can erase the deficit if every citizen would just tackle another citizen too hard. It’s simple Goodellian economics.
4. Norv Turner’s inevitable dismissal (Last week: 5)
The Chargers beat the Chiefs last week, so that’s good for Norval. What? Only by 18 points? How embarrassing. FIRED.
5. Random Steelers running backs (Last week: NR)
Pittsburgh’s leading rusher through the first eight games: Dwyer, Dwyer, Redman, Mendenhall, Batch, Dwyer, Dwyer, Redman. Who will it be this week? Maybe you!
6. Doug Martin (Last week: NR)
Who is Doug Martin? A random Steelers running back? Possibly. They may have one named Doug Martin. Who knows. But here we’re talking about the Buccaneers running back named Doug Martin. He was the second running back taken in the draft after Trent Richardson went to Cleveland. Richardson is having a good rookie year, but it’s safe to assume that Martin will end up being a Hall of Famer because everything terrible happens to Cleveland sports teams.
7. Things that can’t be unseen (Last week: 1)
The Redskins’ Week 9 throwback uniforms weren’t nearly as jarring to the eyes as Pittsburgh’s Week 8 uniform-type outfits. But the fake leather helmet was almost as bad. You know your friend (or aunt or boss) who has that $5,000 “distressed” table from the local furniture store? That’s the fake leather helmet. Washington’s helmet was not leather. It was a $200 piece of armor and engineering. But the Redskins wanted it to look like leather. Just as Aunt Karen wants people to think she has an eye for antiques, when the fact is she got ripped off paying for a piece of mass-market crap with dents all over it. I may have lost the analogy somewhere there. My point is this: fake worn furniture is dumb.
8. The rolling calamity that is the Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: 6)
Romeo Crennel removed himself as Kansas City’s defensive coordinator this week. One job down, only one to go! Know hope, Chiefs fans!
9. Putting the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl (Last week: 4)
Undefeated and picking on the lowly Dallas Cowboys? No one likes a bully, Falcons. Not cool.
10. Bye weeks (Last week: 8)
The Browns, Cardinals and Redskins are all off this week. With three of the most beatable teams idle, it’s going to be a lot harder for regular NFL teams to win.
11. Peyton Manning (Last week: 14)
The Broncos won again, Manning is being talked about as an MVP candidate and he recently bought a bunch of Papa John’s franchises in a state that just legalized marijuana. He hasn’t been this lucky since he got to play Rex Grossman in a Super Bowl.
12. Packers celebrations (Last week: 17)
Do the Packers celebrate too much? Sure. Is it ever wrong to celebrate something by jumping into your hefty head coach? Never.
13. Jay Cutler being Jay Cutler (Last week: 23)
Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler endorsing the opponent of Chicago’s Barack Obama in the presidential election may be the most Jay Cutler thing ever.
14. Fantasy waiver-wire crap (Last week: NR)
“Must-have” fantasy waiver-wire players who have been in the power rankings so far: Kevin Ogletree, Stephen Hill, Danny Amendola, Felix Jones, Jonathan Dwyer. Yikes. The fantasy waiver wire is not your friend. Is your fantasy team better off than it was nine weeks ago? No. It is not.
15. Scoring (Last week: 15)
This week’s Scoring is sponsored by the Chicago Bears, with a special thanks to the Tennessee Titans.
16. Freaking out about the Cowboys (Last week: 10)
Jerry Jones says he is never giving up his general manager duties. Ugh. A dictator. Whether to invade Dallas and overthrow Jones could be one of the biggest decisions of President Obama’s second term.
17. Putting the Patriots in the Super Bowl (Last week: 25)
The Giants are struggling a little bit. That means the Giants will win the Super Bowl. That means the Patriots will lose in the Super Bowl. Learn history.
18. “Madden” curse (Last week: 21)
Calvin Johnson missed practice this week with a sore knee. He’s expected to play this week, but why? Maybe if he sits a game out with a questionable injury, the "Madden" bloodlust will be quenched.
19. Putting the Houston Texans in the Super Bowl (Last week: 19)
They beat the Bills on Sunday. It’s impossible to be impressed by that. They stay at 19.
20. Putting the New York Giants in the Super Bowl (Last week: 9)
Eli Manning has had three subpar games in a row. The Giants have lost one in a row. IS IT TIME FOR THE NEW YORK GIANTS TO PANIC? No. But IS IT TIME FOR STORIES ABOUT WHETHER THE NEW YORK GIANTS SHOULD PANIC? Yes.
21. Roger Goodell (Last week: 27)
Goodell confirmed this week that he did not approve Sean Payton’s contract extension with the Saints. Maybe the Saints and Payton should appeal the ruling to NFL appeals judge Roger Goodell. New York is nice to visit even for a pointless trip.
22. Injuries (Last week: 22)
Eagles offensive lineman Todd Herremans has been placed on injured reserve. Not surprising. Getting trampled by 11 defensive players can easily result in injury.
23. Putting the 49ers in the Super Bowl (Last week: 22)
They had a bye last week. Not much buzz generated by one of those. And that’s not gobble, gobble turkey from a jive turkey gobbler, either.
24. Freaking out about the Jets (Last week: 18)
Rex Ryan was voted the most overrated coach in the NFL. Mark Sanchez was rated the most overrated player in the NFL. Maybe we should all start accurately rating the Jets. But how? I suggest looking at the standings.
25. RG3 (Last week: 11)
He lost to Cam Newton. How humiliating. That guy is the biggest failure ever of people who were the greatest players ever a year ago.
26. Tim Tebow (Last week: 32)
Tebow was on the verge of dropping out of the power rankings. But then he went and got himself a girlfriend. Good for him. We have to assume it’s serious and that she likes Tebow for who he is, because no one who simply wants to date a star athlete would go out with a New York Jet.
27. Rams kicking things (Last week: 16)
In all the talk about Andrew Luck, Doug Martin and even Russell Wilson for NFL Rookie of the Year -- and even that has-been who plays quarterback for the Redskins -- everyone has forgotten about Greg Zuerlein. We may never see a kicker Rookie of the Year in our lifetimes. This year was our best shot. Sad.
28. Saying Joe Flacco is ELITE (Last week: 30)
Flacco wasn’t wildly impressive in a Baltimore win, feeding the theory that Flacco is ELITE because he doesn’t need to be impressive to win. Hey, it’s a theory. Just like the flat Earth. I heard Flacco’s arm is so strong he can throw it off the edge of the Earth!
29. Defense (Last week: 28)
Defense has to drop in a week in which Tony Romo played an entire game without a turnover. How embarrassing for defense.
30. Naughty language (Last week: 26)
The art of naughty language is in serious danger.
"Highty tighty gosh almighty!" - Coach Muschamp... Love it hahaha!
— Tim Tebow (@TimTebow) November 3, 2012
31. Chris Johnson being the worst player ever (Last week: 24)
Johnson had another big yardage game. But Tennessee lost 51-20 at home. It may be time to start wondering if the Titans are the worst team ever.
32. Trade deadline (Last week: 2)
Pretty much nothing happened. Wait. There was one trade that made some news. The Patriots acquired cornerback Aqib Talib, proving again that two of the most rare things in the NFL are trades and the Patriots having serviceable defensive backs.
Dropping out: Reading negative stories about Cam Newton, Jonathan Dwyer’s fantasy stock, Brandon Weeden jokes