A crotch-kicking guide for Ndamukong Suh

Instances in which it is appropriate to kick another man in the crotch:

• You are the director of quality control at a protective cup manufacturer and you are testing the latest cup model on an employee who is wearing the model and is a former professional stunt man.

• You are an actor starring in a Hollywood movie targeted to 14 year-old boys and, after the script runs dry on actual jokes after nine minutes, your “physical comedy” is required to fill the final 76 minutes of the movie.

• Your friend was born with a rare disorder in which his esophagus extends all the way to his rectum, he is choking on a chunk of turkey and the only way to perform the Heimlich maneuver, dislodge the turkey and save his life is to kick him in the crotch.

• Due to an unfortunate chain saw accident, you are left with no arms and just a single leg. You are being mugged in the street by an armed attacker, so you jump-kick him in the crotch and then hop away to safety.

• You are hiking in the rainforest with a friend and you see out of the corner of your eye that a deadly spider has crawled onto his crotch and is about to sink in its fangs for a fatal bite.

• A much larger man has picked a fight with you in the street and says he wants to kill you. (Note: this man must be the size of the Hulk of recent “Avengers” fame or larger in order for a crotch kick to be acceptable.)

Instances in which it is NEVER appropriate to kick another man in the crotch:

• You are a 6-foot-4, 307-pound, 25-year-old NFL defensive tackle with arms the size of the average human’s leg, who is dressed in a helmet and pads.