It’s the holiday season. People are reportedly both hustling and bustling. There is no time to waste, so let’s get these power rankings kick-started like a Ndamukong Suh foot to the unmentionables.
1. Talking to Random People About Sports (Last week: 1)
Ndamukong Suh must want to be known as America’s Most Terrifying Man. There is no other explanation as to why he would stage attacks on back-to-back Thanksgivings when millions of impressionable children and grandparents are watching the Detroit Lions. Every other week, when the Lions are ignored by the entire nation, Suh is relatively well-behaved. But cook up a turkey and plop down on the couch beside Gram-Gram, and Suh’s kung fu begins.
Conversation overheard in every American home last week:
“Is that the same man who stomped on that other man last year?”
“Yes, it is, Aunt Beth. His name is Ndamukong Suh. He’s actually a pretty good player.”
“He is a menace to society is what he is. Goodness gracious. He should be fired from the game.”
Suh will forever be known as a terrifying athlete by our nation’s Aunt Beths. He has zero chance of ever co-hosting a morning show with Kelly Ripa.
2. The rolling calamity that is the Kansas City Chiefs (Last week: 3)
The 1-10 Chiefs became the first NFL team mathematically eliminated from the posteason on Sunday. But that’s not the bad part. The bad part is head coach Romeo Crennel, who this week set a new personal record for saying something that makes you cover your eyes in embarrassment for him.
Here’s Crennel on Kansas City’s game this week against the 3-8 Panthers: “The thing that I told them is that we have to avoid the letdown. And I use that example you just gave me of the other teams we played hard and have played good against and came close, but then the following week we let down. So, we talked about avoiding that letdown and seeing if we could carry this effort forward." What. I. Just. What. No. Poor Chiefs fans.
3. RG3 (Last week: 6)
RG3 on who will get his vote for Offensive Rookie of the Year: “My vote would go to Alfred Morris, because I wouldn't vote for myself. I think that's extremely conceited and I'm not that person, so I'd vote for Alfred Morris. He's my running back, he's had a very quiet, but very great season for a running back and I'm proud to have him on this team."
Pass it on: RG3 thinks Andrew Luck sucks. Now, granted, he didn’t exactly say that, per se. But if we’re going to attempt to keep this RG3-Andrew Luck “rivalry” fresh for 15 years, we’re going to have to make up some controversies. So, Andrew Luck, what do you think about RG3 saying you’re the worst quarterback in the NFL?
4. Andy Reid’s farewell tour (Last week: 4)
The Phillies have won a game more recently than the Eagles. Heck, the Eagles have won only three games since the Flyers’ last win. What Sixers-Eagles comparison could we make? Ooh, I know! The Eagles are the Andrew Bynum’s hair of football teams.
5. Norv Turner’s inevitable dismissal (Last week: 7)
It seems very unlikely that Norv Turner will keep his job. Fourth-and-29 unlikely. Oh, no. Chargers fans are doomed.
6. Quitting (Last week: NR)
Fireman Ed is the worst superfan ever.
Did Denver’s Barrel Man climb out of his barrel during the Brian Griese years? No.
Did the Giants’ license plate guy return his collection to the DMV every time Tom Coughlin was about to get fired? Nope.
Did the costumed psychopaths who attend Raiders games become productive members of society just because the Raiders hired Norv Turner, Lane Kiffin and Tom Cable in the past 10 years? No way.
Fireman Ed quit. There’s no other way to say it. Worst of all, he quit when the dumpster fire that is the New York Jets needed a fireman the most.
7. Colin Kaepernick (Last week: 2)
In all the nonstop praise of Kaepernick, let’s not forget that the 49ers won Sunday thanks to their defense, which had two interception returns for touchdowns. Hmm. Going nuts over a second-year quarterback and forgetting about his defense sounds vaguely familiar. Did we do that out west somewhere last year? I feel like we did.
8. Peyton Manning (Last week: 8)
Manning struggled a bit Sunday in a 17-9 win, but he still moves up a spot because of his charity efforts. This week he took time to sign autographs and take photos with some of the most desperate and helpless members of our society: the Kansas City Chiefs.
9. Naughty language (Last week: 11)
If the title of this isn’t enough of a warning, the following contains naughty language.
10. The Jets’ car crash (Last week: 12)
Yes, that video was shot at halftime. Of a home game.
11. Scoring (Last week: 13)
Ten teams scored 30 or more points in Week 12. The Patriots scored 35 in just the second quarter. Feel free to go back to No. 9 and replay that video.
12. TV ratings (Last week: 8)
There wasn’t much reason to watch Monday night’s clash of preseason titans between the Panthers and Eagles, but this Monday we get the Giants vs. Redskins -- a game that gives viewers both RG3 and the highly rated weekly mystery show: “Which Eli Manning Will Show Up Today?”
13. Putting the Patriots in the Super Bowl (Last week: 14)
The Patriots have averaged 47.5 points per game over their past four, but those were against the Rams, Bills, Colts and Jets -- not exactly fearsome defense. It will be tougher this week on the road in Miami playing in museum silence and having to run passing routes around random field geysers.
14. Putting the 49ers in the Super Bowl (Last week: 19)
If the 49ers need Alex Smith in the Super Bowl, they won't have to worry about him losing his helmet like Thurman Thomas. Smith keeps it on his head at all times.
15. Injuries (Last week: 5)
Roger Goodell is trying to legislate danger out of the NFL. But it will never happen as long as Ndamukong Suh’s legs walk/kick free.
16. Overtime (Last week: NR)
We’re getting overtimes every week now. Unfortunately. The majority of the overtime games are of the quality that they should have been put out of their misery before regulation even ended. The NFL needs something called undertime. Is your game unwatchable? It’s only the second quarter? Who cares. It’s going to undertime. You have five minutes of running clock to wrap it up.
17. Doug Martin (Last week: 20)
For the record, the “Muscle Hamster” doesn’t like that nickname. He prefers to be called something else. What about Ripped Rat? Or Pumped-Up Guinea Pig? No to all? Is it that you don’t like being compared to a rodent? Yeah, I could see that.
18. Freaking out about the Cowboys (Last week: 18)
When are we allowed to stop caring about the Cowboys in light of them being an irrelevant team for more than 15 years? That will be a happy day. Oh, crap. I just called the Cowboys irrelevant. Now they’re probably going to be playing for a championship next year like (formerly) “irrelevant” Notre Dame.
19. Jay Cutler being Jay Cutler (Last week: 22)
Cutler got an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty Sunday which, in Cutler’s defense, seems kind of redundant.
20. Putting the Houston Texans in the Super Bowl (Last week: 17)
The supposedly stout Texans defense has given up 37 and 31 points in its past two games. There’s a theory going around that at 10-1 and with huge lead in their division, the Texans are resting on their laurels a bit. But this is a franchise with one playoff win in its history: a wild-card victory over the Bengals. You have to have laurels to rest on them.
21. Putting the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl (Last week: 16)
Six of the Falcons' past seven wins have been by seven points or fewer. That means the Falcons have been just one play away from losing six games. So, really, the Falcons are pretty close to being 4-7.
The 10-1 Falcons are terrible. Pass it on.
22. NFL prospects (Last week: 10)
Alabama and Georgia are playing Saturday. There are several to several dozen NFL prospects playing, the total varying depending on if you are watching the game in earshot of Steve Spurrier.
23. Andrew Luck (Last week: 21)
Only a 54.1 percent completion percentage. One interception and only one touchdown pass? Pffft. Maybe RG3 is right about Luck being THE WORST QUARTERBACK EVER.
24. Saying Joe Flacco is ELITE (Last week: 24)
Those who make the case for Joe Flacco’s ELITEness often say that his mediocre stats don’t tell the whole story. However, this week his stats do suggest he is ELITE. It says in this week’s box score that late in the fourth quarter he completed a fourth-and-29 pass to Ray Rice for a first down. Wow. No doubt he rifled that pass 30 yards down the field through a narrow window between three or four defensive backs. What a player.
25. Putting the New York Giants in the Super Bowl (Last week: 27)
After losing to the Bengals by 18 before their bye week, the Giants came back and crushed the Packers. That Bengals game was a letdown. Take notes, Romeo Crennel.
26. Fantasy waiver-wire crap (Last week: 15)
Danario Alexander, Cecil Shorts, Bryce Brown. Some of these fantasy waiver finds are starting to pay off. Too bad everyone who needs to mine the waiver wire for help already gave up on their fantasy teams weeks ago.
27. Tim Tebow (Last week: 28)
Tebow may not play this week because of a rib injury. This is different from normal weeks in which he doesn’t play because his coaches have absolutely no idea what they’re doing.
28. “Madden” curse (Last week: 29)
Now we know how it’s going to happen. We should have seen it all along. Ndamukong Suh is going to throw a locker room tirade and stomp Calvin Johnson’s knee off.
29. Defense (Last week: 29)
Ray Lewis hopes to be back for Week 15. We’ll see. It’s hard to do pregame jazz hands with triceps that aren’t 100 percent.
30. Weather (Last week: 25)
This Sunday will give us our first December games. That means it’s snow game season. Nothing is more football than snow football. This is also why the Vikings and Lions will never win a Super Bowl. Their domes spit in the face of the snow-covered football gods.
31. Things that can’t be unseen (Last week: 26)
Movember participants. You people look absurd. Yes, it’s for charity. Just writing a check for charity is also for charity, but with the added benefit of not looking like Aaron Rodgers.
32. Random Steelers running backs (Last week: 23)
Six fumbles, four of them lost? That was quite an attempt to make a name for themselves.
Dropping out: Unnecessary rudeness, Bye weeks