Hello, Well-Rounded Sports Fan. This is a reminder that in order to maintain your Well-Rounded certification, you must demonstrate an interest in tennis on at least one unique occasion per month. With Christmas approaching, it is advised that you go ahead and fulfill this requirement now, lest other commitments undermine your capacity to meet the obligation. Thank you, and we cherish your continued support of this quaint aristocratic lawn game.
Novak Djokovic, world No. 1 at both tennis and neck length, has purchased the world’s entire supply of pule, a gourmet cheese manufactured from donkey milk. Made exclusively in Serbia, the cheese joins Djokovic and James Bond villains as the only Serbian things people in America have ever heard of.
Djokovic purchased the cheese from the lone farm in the world that produces it, and he intends to use it in his soon-to-open chain of restaurants, where only other rich tennis guys will be able to indulge in its opulent $576 per pound flavor.
The pule is so costly due to the fact that it takes approximately 48 liters of milk to produce a pound of the cheese -- a downright harrowing burden for the donkeys and their grossly elongated teats. The cheese is also highly nutritious, packed with 60 times more vitamin C than cheese made from cow's milk, as cows do not drink as much orange juice as donkeys do.
Now that one athlete has purchased the entire world supply of something, it can only be assumed that other athletes, not to be outdone, will shortly follow suit and buy the world supplies of other commodities. Here are some of the athlete/world supply pairings we can reasonably expect:
Michael Jordan and cargo shorts
Glen “Big Baby” Davis and pic-a-nic baskets
Alex Rodriguez and any paintings or sculptures that seem to glorify Alex Rodriguez
Caroline Wozniacki and foam brassiere inserts
Eli Manning and See ‘n Says
Allen Iverson and whatever can be bought with $18.53 and an autographed headshot
I don’t think it would be out of the question to see more cheese-related purchases, either. I’m envisioning Bryant McKinnie making it rain thousands of dollars worth of Kraft singles in a murky strip club.
What do YOU think athletes would buy if they could have the world supplies of certain objects? Let us know in the comments.