Brooklyn Nets need to plain it up even more

The reviews for the Brooklyn Nets’ logo and colors are in and they are: plain. I’d use more adjectives, but that would be too showy for the Nets.

With its first major decision, Nets management has shown they want plainness to be the image of the Nets. But they can’t stop with the logos and colors. A truly strong brand permeates every part of an organization.

Mascot : Sorry, Sly the Silver Fox. You are too exciting. The new Nets mascot should be Net. It will just be a basketball net. Not someone dressed as a net. Not a net with googly eyes glued to it. Just a basketball net you’d buy at any sporting goods store. If that’s a little too plain, they can give it some personality by naming it. Kevin the Net sounds good to me.

Team makeup : No one over 6-foot-5. Have you ever met someone over 6-5? The first thing you think is: “Whoa. You’re tall.” With their logo, the Nets made it clear they don’t want anyone to say “Whoa” about Nets basketball. On the court, the Nets should look like an average Division III or NAIA basketball team.

Concessions : Unsalted soft pretzels, tap water and Bud Light. Nothing else. Also, fans are allowed to bring an apple to the game, if they like.

In-game music : NBA arenas blast danceable Top 40 and jock-rock music. No, thanks. The Nets should borrow the CD used in the elevators at the nearest dentist's office.

Cheerleaders : No cheerleaders. In fact, no cheering by the fans at all beyond a polite golf clap. (This should not be too tough, considering Brooklyn is getting a 22-44 team.)

No Mikhail Prokhorov : At least not in his current form. The current Prokhorov is a funny Russian oligarch with expensive and dangerous hobbies. That simply will not do as the face of the team. He must take on American citizenship, move to the New York suburbs, change his name to Mike Peterson and take up golf.

Promotions : Make them simple, not showy. Acceptably boring fan giveaways: yo-yos, white undershirts, bottled water, free Nets tickets.

Promotional slogans : Make these really boring. Stuff like “First home game since 1957.” And “Brooklyn now has a home team.” And “Bridges will be crossed.” What? They’re already using those? Really? Wow. Perfect.