U.S. freedom hinges on Super Bowl holiday

We're proud to be an American where at least we know we're free to sign an online petition. Fernando Medina/US Presswire

Americans work hard but play harder. This has always been the case, ever since the first pilgrims would ditch their wood-chopping jobs midday to giggle and eat fresh berries and shoot owls with muskets.

But sometimes our devotion to playtime can hurt our productivity at work. Take Super Bowl Sunday, for instance.

You start the day thinking you might enjoy a beer or two, but then you see commercials for 10 other beers that all seem more validating, masculinity-wise, than your beer, so naturally you need to drink all of these, too. Then, by halftime, you’re so crestfallen that Beyonce will never be your lover that you have to drink four more beers just to cope, and then your team has to go and lose, so you drink a few more, and by this point you’re so drunk that something as inconsequential as your chip breaking in the queso sends you into hysterics, so of course you just keep drinking and drinking until you pass out on your son’s Lego X-Wing Starfighter.

The next morning you go to your job at the guillotine factory, and you’re so hung over that you accidentally stagger into the testing area and something tragic happens: YOU GET WRITTEN UP FOR AN OSHA VIOLATION.

This is a horrible reality that many of us encounter year in and year out, but one forward-thinking American is looking to put an end to it for good.

Josh Moore of the fantasy football site 4for4 has filed a We the People petition urging the Obama administration to declare the Monday following the Super Bowl a national holiday.

If the government is going to recognize useless “holidays” like Columbus Day that no one even knows how to celebrate, then it only makes sense that the 111 million Americans who come together in honor of the Super Bowl every year should be sanctioned with an official day of rest.

While some would argue that taking the nation’s workforce out of commission for a day would strike yet another harsh blow to our fragile economy, the truth is that worrying about the economy is dumb, and that if need be we can always just get another one of those bailout dealies.

America loves football, and if we can’t indulge in football to our utmost satisfaction because we have responsibilities the next day, then we’re being deprived of a vital freedom. And you know who else is deprived of vital freedom? North Koreans. Han Solo frozen in carbonite. Zoo animals.

As a people, we must be better than North Koreans, Han Solo frozen in carbonite, and zoo animals. So sign the petition today to make sure this becomes the foremost priority of our country’s policymakers. Everything else can wait.

The petition still needs more than 80,000 signatures before it merits a response from the White House, so after you sign it, be sure to coerce all your elderly relatives into doing so as well.

Or, y’know, just don’t drink so much on Sunday. Whatever’s easier.