Update: As spotted by an NYT commenter, pretty much all the things Shia LeBeouf said, he lifted from this Esquire essay titled “What Is a Man?” If you thought this story couldn’t get any stupider, you were wrong.
What is Mark McGwire?
A hitting coach for the Dodgers? An admitted steroids user? A Flaming Lips concept album? A subtropical desert terrarium plant? Your stepdad’s PT Cruiser?
There’s no way to know for sure, because Shia LaBeouf hasn’t told us yet.
In an email to Alec Baldwin that he subsequently shared with all his Twitter followers, the "Even Stevens" alum revealed a startling new factoid about McGwire: that he is not a man.
“A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers. A man owns up. That’s why Mark McGwire is not a man,” wrote the 2008 MTV Movie Awards Best Kiss winner.
Out of context, this obviously doesn’t make much sense, although knowing the back story doesn’t exactly clarify things, either. But the gist of it is that, until Tuesday, LaBeouf was in a play with Baldwin, then he wasn't. So he wrote some mopey emails to people, including the one to Baldwin quoted above.
A little perplexing, I know, but as his wisdom didn’t betray us in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle," "Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd" or "Holes," I trust that we can take him at his word here.
Unfortunately, we still don’t know what, exactly, McGwire is.
The goatee should ostensibly disqualify him as a woman, but I wouldn’t rule it out for sure. Maybe a bald giant panda? Or some sort of really next-level coral?
Only LaBeouf knows the truth. And only LaBeouf, whose name is partially responsible for depleting the world’s vowel supply, can shine a light on all the other great mysteries of the sporting world.
Why there’s no football team in Los Angeles, how Ray Lewis’ triceps managed to un-tear themselves in like seven minutes, why Jeremy Roenick was so much ridiculously better than everyone else in "NHL ’94" -- if only LaBeouf were fired from more plays, we might know the answers to these questions.
Shia LaBeouf is a very important celebrity. Recognize.