May 1: Blue Jays pitcher Mark Buehrle is reunited with his family and dogs in Ontario when it is clarified to him that the province’s law only bans the rapper Pitbull because of noise-pollution standards. “Oh, OK. That makes a lot more sense,” he says.
May 2: The Marlins Park home-run sculpture becomes self-aware, grows horrified of its existence and marches into the ocean to its death.
May 3: Not sure how to spend all of the money they have from their new TV deal, the Dodgers just go ahead and buy China.
May 4: In hopes of allowing its giant new Howard Taft racing president mascot to be more competitive, the Nationals announce they will let Taft ride a Rascal scooter during races.
May 5: Toronto’s home games are moved indefinitely to a nearby college’s home field after Rogers Centre is damaged in the rioting and looting that follow the Maple Leafs’ first-round playoff exit.
May 6: After realizing he has no chance of winning with the talent the Marlins have, manager Mike Redmond holds a news conference and says: “It turns out I’m actually a big Castro fan. Yep. Good guy, that Fidel. I guess I’ll get fired now. Bummer.”
May 7: A grown man brings his glove to watch a Major League Baseball game. Everyone sitting near him agrees that he is pretty pathetic.
May 8: Hunter Pence tries out a new and even more awkward batting style, holding the bat by the barrel during a game against the Phillies. He goes 4-for-5, including two doubles, hitting the ball off the handle.
May 9: The last-place Yankees continue to lose, so the Steinbrenners allow Brian Cashman to increase payroll. Cashman signs Bernie Williams, Paul O’Neill and several other veteran players he has heard of. Scott Brosius turns down his offer.
May 10: During a rain delay in Detroit, new Cleveland manager Terry Francona and outfielder Nick Swisher wow the Indians with tales of being part of teams that regularly play games on national television.
May 11: Star Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson throws out the first pitch before a Mariners game. Wilson, on the strength of his .229 career minor league batting average, is asked to stick around to bat leadoff.
May 12: Facing pressure from the seven locals who follow both the Marlins and international politics, Miami fires Redmond for his pro-Castro statements.
May 13: Owner Jeffrey Loria names longtime Miami resident Jose Canseco the new manager of the Marlins.
May 14: Using time travel …
Yes time travel is possible. Will explain later.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) August 13, 2012
… Jose Canseco goes back in time and retrieves all of the best Marlins players in recent seasons and brings them back with him.
May 15: Retired baseball pitcher Tommy John undergoes outpatient arthroscopic knee surgery, dropping sports-surgery nomenclature into chaos.
May 16: Adam Dunn goes 0-for-4, and his season batting average falls to .029. After the game, he tells reporters: “It seems that me being unable to hit a baseball will be an every-other-year thing. Bummer.”
May 17: Bored with retirement and in the neighborhood, Chipper Jones shows up and plays third base for a few innings for the Braves.
May 18: The A’s beat the Royals, 5-4, on a walk-off sacrifice fly. But the victory is tinged with tragedy when this fan spontaneously combusts as the winning run comes home.
May 19: The Rangers complete a four-game home sweep of the Tigers. Texas credits its domination to stocking the Tigers’ locker room with Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme, the presence of which kept Miguel Cabrera, Prince Fielder and Jhonny Peralta distracted and off the field for the duration of the series.
May 20: In a story that sickens and disgusts millions, it is revealed that most of the San Diego Chicken is made out of horse meat.
May 21: The Astros sign Jamie Moyer and install him as their ace.
May 22: Brian Cashman trades the Yankees’ top three prospects for Jamie Moyer.
May 23: AL Central pitchers send Indians general manager Mark Shapiro a thank-you card for acquiring Drew Stubbs and Mark Reynolds, allowing them to pad their strikeout totals.
May 24: Baseball reports that attendance is down 11 percent so far in 2013, “most likely because fans are still coming down from the World Baseball Classic and regular-season baseball just doesn’t provide the same level of excitement.”
May 25: It is revealed that Ryan Braun spent most of the offseason in Moscow working out with former Soviet boxer and steroids abuser Ivan Drago. Braun insists he merely used Drago as a consultant in defending himself against steroids allegations. Braun also hits a 645-foot, broken-bat home run in Milwaukee’s game against Pittsburgh.
May 26: The A’s release pitcher Bartolo Colon after he becomes just the sixth pitcher this season to fail to no-hit the Astros.
May 27: Joba Chamberlain admits his new mustache is just an attempt to disguise himself in public so he wouldn’t be identified as a member of the New York Yankees.
May 28: Padres catcher Yasmani Grandal returns from his 50-game PED suspension and goes 0-for-5 with five weak groundouts, encouraging San Diego management that he is no longer on steroids.
May 29: The Rockies sell out a home game against the lowly Astros thanks to a Todd Helton Fathead giveaway.
May 30: Jason Giambi hits a pinch-hit, walk-off home run for the Indians to beat the Reds. But Cincinnati files an official protest over the game, stating “there is no possible way that Jason Giambi is still in the major leagues, right?”
May 31: The Marlins end May on a 17-game win streak thanks to their star-studded lineup of past Marlins greats. Jose Canseco is hailed a managerial genius.