Sept. 1: The Giants beat the Diamondbacks to pull into first place in the NL West, but few experts consider them to be a serious contender, because they haven’t won a World Series in nearly a year.
Sept. 2: In what is easily the highlight of the Yankees’ season, the Red Sox are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
Sept. 3: Baseball announces it is canceling all games for the day so players can have their fantasy football drafts.
Sept. 4: The Cardinals hold No-Mullet Night, resulting in the worst single-game attendance in team history.
Sept. 5: The Orioles play their home game that forced the Ravens to open the regular season on the road. After the game, Orioles owner Peter Angelos is arrested for spray-painting “BirdTown” on M&T Bank Stadium.
Sept. 6: The last-place Mets start selling playoff tickets in hopes of making some cash.
Sept. 7: Baseball agrees to expand instant replay to include really funny fielder errors and baserunning mistakes so everyone can stop for a minute or two to laugh at the players involved.
Sept. 8: The Yankees, Mets and Jets all play on the same day, forcing New York papers to publish three editions with back pages ripping them all.
Sept. 9: The Mariners announce they are forfeiting the remainder of their games because they just want to watch the Seahawks.
Sept. 10: Some jerk hits a home run into McCovey Cove right where a guy is trying to fish.
Sept. 11: Depressed by all of the losing, Yankees ace CC Sabathia starts letting himself go physically.
Sept. 12: Baseball attendance plummets after it is discovered that peanuts and Cracker Jacks are made out of horse meat.
Sept. 13: Yu Darvish has a no-hitter through seven innings, but it is jinxed and subsequently broken up when A.J. Pierzynski talks to him in the dugout, because that is something Pierzynski would find funny.
Sept. 14: The Mets announce they are retiring Johan Santana’s No. 57 jersey. The jersey will be retired with a sling over the shoulder.
Sept. 15: Redskins owner Dan Snyder contacts the Braves to see if he can buy their unused “screaming Indian” hats.
Sept. 16: After watching the Rangers lose their fifth game in the row and head toward another late-season collapse, Nolan Ryan says “f--- this,” comes out of the stands in relief and pitches eight innings of no-hit baseball.
Sept. 17: Ryan Braun is pulled over while driving away from the Biogenesis lab in a U-Haul truck. However, since the truck is only rented, the outfielder denies he owns anything inside and avoids suspension.
Sept. 18: The Yankees hold their first-ever open tryouts, with the first nine fans showing up getting to bat one through nine in the order.
Sept. 19: Stephen Strasburg is pulled from a start in the first inning when he can’t figure out how to throw the ball out of the plastic bubble the Nationals have placed him in.
Sept. 20: The Dodgers pull back into first place by buying the Giants and disbanding the team.
Sept. 21: The Upton brothers invite their Braves teammates over to their house to see their new race car bunk bed.
Sept. 22: The Yankees sign that squirrel that ran onto the field a few years ago during the World Series.
Sept. 23: After hearing rumors that Ryan Braun is about to be suspended, Ryan Braun changes his name to Byan Rruan.
Sept. 24: A week before the playoffs are set to begin, Bud Selig announces a new 20-team playoff format featuring all one-game “series” except for a best-of-19 World Series.
Sept. 25: The True Yankee Review Board rules that none of the new 2013 Yankees have earned the coveted “True Yankee” designation.
Sept. 26: With his immune system weakened from being kept apart from humans for the past month, Stephen Strasburg catches the flu and is declared out for the playoffs.
Sept. 27: The Tom Emanski-led Houston Astros win their 40th consecutive game and crush the Yankees, 17-1, in the opening game of season-ending series. The winning streak comes too late for Houston to make the playoffs, unfortunately, robbing baseball fans of a Marlins-Astros World Series clash of titans.
Sept. 28: Marlins manager/Wise and Benevolent Dictator of the United States Jose Canseco steps down from both positions to take on the position of King of Earth. All of the world’s problems are solved by the end of the week.
Sept. 29: After a remarkable 79-21 start to the season, the Pittsburgh Pirates finish 80-82 on a 19-inning 1-0 loss to the Cincinnati Reds.