Gallo's 100 percent accurate draft grades

The 2013 NFL draft is over. But how did your team do? Did its draft performance guarantee this year’s Super Bowl title and every other one as far as the eye can see?

The only way to find out is to read the only 100 percent accurate draft grades on the whole Internet.

Kansas City Chiefs

Draft Grade: F

Flawless Analysis: The Chiefs spent the months leading up to the draft trying to convince teams that they had serious interest in Luke Joeckel and Geno Smith. Turns out all of that was lies. LIES! This draft grade isn’t about the Chiefs as a football team. It’s more than that. It’s about not being able to trust the Chiefs as men.

You may have a new left tackle, Chiefs, but you have no honor.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Draft Grade: A+

Peerless Insight: Supposedly lots of highlights show Luke Joeckel making really good blocks and such. We’ll just assume that’s the case, because no way are we watching blocking “highlights” to confirm this, am I right? Boring. I tried to watch some of Joeckel’s Texas A&M tape, but then I was, like: “Whoa! Johnny Manziel!” and watched the Heisman winner run around and make touchdowns instead. Way more exciting.

Let’s also trust people who have “played football” here when they insist that linemen are even important. Fine. They’re not important enough to be in any fantasy leagues, so I’m skeptical, but fine. We’ll give you this round.

In addition to Joeckel, the Jaguars got Denard Robinson in the fifth round, which has to be a huge steal, because I’ve seen him on “SportsCenter” for years.

Miami Dolphins

Draft Grade: F

Unparalleled Breakdown: The Dolphins traded up from No. 12 to get Oakland’s No. 3 overall pick. Terrible decision by Miami. Oakland had that pick for months. Miami had it for only 10 minutes. There is simply no way the Dolphins could have gotten all of the Raiders' stink off it in that time.

Philadelphia Eagles

Draft Grade: A+

Faultless Review: In Lane Johnson, the Eagles got an offensive tackle who learned his technique wrestling bears.

Awesome. Blocking mere men obviously won’t be a problem for him. Great pick.


Hmm. No bears? What if the Eagles drafted him based on this bear tale? Getting duped by a bear wrestling story: Classic rookie head coach mistake by Chip Kelly. Before the Eagles offer Johnson a contract, they'd better make him wrestle a bear so they know what they really have.

Let’s make their draft grade an F, with the possibility of the original A+, depending, of course, on how Johnson does in the private workouts against a bear.

Detroit Lions

Draft Grade: A+

Pristine Dissection: First-round pick Ezekiel Ansah is a project who may take several years to develop into a solid contributor, but a team like the Lions has the luxury of patience, what with all of its recent success.*

*Didn't lose double-digit games two years ago

Cleveland Browns

Draft Grade: A+

Genius in Words: The Browns had only two picks before the sixth round. Knowing that, they no doubt made sure they took really good players with those two picks. If they didn’t, they would essentially get nothing out of an entire draft. No team can afford that. Going oh-fer in an entire draft would really set a franchise back. But there’s no reason to think the Browns would mess up that bad. They probably nailed both picks.

Arizona Cardinals

Draft Grade: F

Precise Punditry: Any chance of Arizona having a good draft or even a good team fell apart in the third round with the selection of Tyrann Mathieu. The Cardinals knowingly added a person who has smoked marijuana to a professional sports team! Marijuana! What were they thinking? Locker rooms are bastions of clean living. Now Arizona’s locker room, and the NFL as a whole, is forever tainted. Forget playing with him; Mathieu’s Cardinals teammates likely won’t even know how to speak to him. All they know of this marijuana is from PG-13 movies. And now someone who has actually been in contact with the substance will be among them? It’s a recipe for disaster.

St. Louis Rams

Draft Grade: F

Stunning Clarity: The Rams filled several need areas in the draft but failed to get any 49ers or Seahawks players, so nothing they did will matter very much.

New York Jets

Draft Grade: A+

Extreme Wisdom: The Jets used their seven picks to bring in seven football players who have no previous association with the New York Jets. They couldn’t have asked for much more.

Tennessee Titans

Draft Grade: A+

Hall of Fame Framing: The Titans drafted offensive linemen in the first and fourth rounds, which should help Chris Johnson’s chances of achieving his fantasy football potential.

San Diego Chargers

Draft Grade: F

Exquisite Information: The Chargers took Alabama offensive tackle D.J. Fluker in the first round. That’s not who I had them taking in the first round. And I think I know the Chargers better than they do.

Oakland Raiders

Draft Grade: F

World’s Premier Judgment: The Dolphins traded up from No. 12 to get Oakland’s No. 3 overall pick. Terrible decision by Oakland. Miami had that pick for months. Oakland had it for only 10 minutes. There is simply no way the Raiders could have gotten all of the Dolphins stink off it in that time.

Carolina Panthers

Draft Grade: F

Perfection: Carolina took Star Lotulelei in the first round. “Star.” Come on. Show us, don’t tell us. I’ll take a player named “Gary” or “Humble” over someone named “Star” every time. You don’t see Bill Belichick drafting players named “Star.” Enough said.

New Orleans Saints

Draft Grade: A+

Nailed It: The Saints got the steal of the draft in the first round with Texas safety Kenny Vaccaro. If Mack Brown had Vaccaro playing at defensive back, that probably means he’s a quarterback the equivalent of Robert Griffin III and Johnny Manziel. The Saints got No. 1 overall value at No. 15.

Buffalo Bills

Draft Grade: F

Boom: The Bills panicked and took EJ Manuel one pick after the draft’s best quarterback, Texas’ safety Kenny Vaccaro, went off the board.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Draft Grade: F

So Much This: The Steelers got the best pass-rusher in the draft in Jarvis Jones, addressing a need, but it’s unlikely Jones will ever see the field in Pittsburgh because of conditioning problems. Not even 48 hours after getting drafted, Jones was gorging himself on sandwiches covered in French fries.

If this keeps up, the Steelers will have to switch him to defensive tackle.

San Francisco 49ers

Draft Grade: F

Pulitzer-y: After barely losing the Super Bowl, the 49ers took 11 players in the draft. Bad move. Using all of those picks shows weakness. The 49ers should have said: “We’re coming back to win it all just as we are. We don’t need anyone. We’ll pass on the draft, thanks.” That would be intimidating. But they didn't do that, and now their opponents smell fear and will exploit it.

New York Giants

Draft Grade: A+

Massively On Point: The Giants addressed needs along the offensive and defensive lines with their first three picks, but their most intriguing pick came in Round 4 with the selection of Syracuse quarterback Ryan Nassib. You have to like his potential. But even more, you have to like the potential of the New York media to create an entertaining New York Giants “quarterback controversy” if the Jets ever fail to deliver on material.

Chicago Bears

Draft Grade: A+

YES: The Bears nailed their first-round pick of Oregon guard Kyle Long. With a 4.94 time in the 40, Long is fast for an offensive lineman. Pair that with his natural defensive instincts -- he’s the son of Howie Long and brother of Chris Long -- and he’ll be a huge asset in chasing down Jay Cutler interceptors.

Cincinnati Bengals

Draft Grade: A+

Spot-on: Cincinnati had 10 picks. You have to think at least a few of them will pan out into marginal NFL players the Bengals can someday flip in trades to the Raiders, ripping Oakland off for more early-round selections.

Atlanta Falcons

Draft Grade: A+

Jaw-dropping Intelligence: The Falcons used their first two picks to address their need at cornerback. If there’s one gripe about their draft, it’s their inability to package their three seventh-round slots in a trade for the final pick of the draft. Getting Mr. Irrelevant is way cooler than three nameless players who also probably won’t make your team.

Minnesota Vikings

Draft Grade: F

Brilliance: The Vikings had three first-round picks. Idiots. All the smart kids know that the second round is where the real value is. If the Vikings were smart, they would have traded those three first-round picks for three second-round picks.

Indianapolis Colts

Draft Grade: A+

Opposite of Dumb: The Colts spent their first-round pick on Bjoern Werner. And you know they did their due diligence on him and know he’s going to be a star.

You don’t write tweets in German unless you think you have a sure thing. Or maybe you do if you’ve had too much to drink and you’re tweeting on a Friday night. But it’s probably the former in this case.

Green Bay Packers

Draft Grade: A+

+1: Green Bay’s biggest issues are on defense, as evidenced by the 579 yards it gave up in its 45-31 playoff loss to the 49ers. So the fact that the Packers used four of their first five picks on defense earns a definite A-plus grade from all of us who have always wanted to see a video game football team brought to life.

Houston Texans

Draft Grade: A+

Pure Facts: Not much to quibble with here. The Texans needed a wide receiver and got one in the first round. They also had four picks in the sixth round, meaning their practice squad likely will be the envy of the entire league.

Denver Broncos

Draft Grade: F

In-your-face Veracity: The Broncos addressed some needs with their first two picks. But they have to regret not using any picks to try to secure the rights to Tim Tebow in a trade before he hit the open market. Tebow is the last Broncos quarterback to have won a playoff game.

Dallas Cowboys

Draft Grade: A+

Shocking Non-fiction: On paper, the Cowboys’ draft picks look underwhelming. Again. But the team’s general manager maintains the full support of ownership, so he must be doing something right. We probably just don’t know enough about football to understand it.

Baltimore Ravens

Draft Grade: F

Prodigious Knowledge: Despite picking at the end of every round, the Super Bowl champion Ravens found a few potential starters. That’s no small accomplishment. However, they completely whiffed on addressing their biggest need position: motivational pregame dancer and conduit to God.

New England Patriots, Seattle Seahawks, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Washington Redskins

Draft Grade: C

Awe-inspiring Accuracy: The Patriots, Seahawks, Buccaneers and Redskins didn’t have any first-round picks. The draft can get kind of boring to watch after the first round. So who knows what they did. A C grade seems fair.