Inside the NFL's new fan conduct class

Planning to be drunk, disruptive and violent at an NFL game this season? If your behavior gets you ejected from the stadium, you will need to complete a "Fan Conduct Class" in order to ever go to another NFL game again. The online course costs $75 and is developed by the AJ Novick Group, Inc., which bills itself "a leading provider of anger management, corporate programs and certificate training."

Here, in bold, are some real details pulled from FanConductClass.com about the now-NFL-mandated class.

This four-hour class will cover the following topics:

What is disruptive fan behavior?

Really anything that forces you to take a four-hour online class in order to ever set foot in an NFL stadium again probably fits the category of "disruptive fan behavior."

How alcohol affects the brain, central nervous system and internal organs

Yes, you can get drunk faster by doing vodka shots into your eyeball. But no, this sort of scientific information is not all you should take away from this section.

Skills for becoming less impulsive and improving judgment

You probably should have learned these skills before you became an adult, but this four-hour online course is a sufficient replacement for the 18 years your parents were asleep at the wheel.

Communication skills as prevention

Believe it or not, there are better ways to express your disappointment over that failed third-down conversion than by delivering a roundhouse kick to the throat of the usher in your section.

Our Certificate of Completion comes on an official form.

This is no doubt a document you will want to frame and display prominently in your home or business right alongside your Harvard diploma, bragging to all who see it: “I have learned the minimal skills required to not be a drunken idiot in front of 50,000 people!”

24/7 Email & Phone Support

The customer support had better be good customer support and not someone like "Peggy." No need to anger people who have already shown they are prone to extreme behavior.

The AJ Novick Group, Inc. is the authority on fan education safety programs for professional sports.

Cool. Good for them. Wait ... what’s this? The company is based in Laguna Beach, Calif.? Sorry, you can’t be the authority on fan education safety if you’re not based in New York, Philadelphia or Cleveland. Come East, get a few batteries chucked at your head during a preseason game and then decide whether you still think you're an expert on fan behavior.

Disclaimer: These are educational courses only. They are not a substitute for medical or psychological advice or counseling.

Oh. That's too bad. Because anyone who behaves so poorly they get ejected from an NFL game might benefit from psychological advice and counseling. But at least they'll get a cool certificate out of this.