Governor Canseco: American nightmare

Jose Canseco is ready to tackle Massachusetts politics at any level, he announced on Twitter. Chuck Kennedy/Getty Images

Of course he does. Of course Jose Canseco wants to run for governor of Massachusetts, because this is what happens when you pay attention to people who like attention. The twitching slab of leathern flesh announced on Twitter that he wants to run for office, particularly in Massachusetts, where he’s familiar with all sorts of tiny local problems like the dismal Internet in Braintree, the traffic headaches in Danvers and the rampant plague of unneutered dogs that infests the New England streets.

Because foreign-born, steroid-using novelties have a pretty good track record getting elected in this country, we cannot safely assume that Canseco will never serve in public office. In fact, we might as well get used to the idea that he will get elected, if only to pre-empt the horror of such a situation, should it ever come to pass, God help us.

So what would it look like?

• Well, for starters, Gov. Canseco would be an outspoken advocate for local businesses, as he’s demonstrated time and again on Twitter. He would also work to bring outside investment into the state, though he’d likely funnel any and all funds into minor league ballclubs.

• He’d need a lieutenant governor who can keep pace with his antics, so here’s a few names that’d be a decent fit on his ballot: Dennis Rodman, Yosemite Sam, Mark McGwire, Herman Cain (but only if the extramarital allegations are true), a Siri-equipped blowup doll, Paul Bearer from WWE and John McCain in an Iron Man suit.

• He’d be a suspiciously eager proponent of the death penalty, but he’d also be a willing servant to his people, helping them out with autographs and tips for where to obtain clean urine.

• He’d scream inconceivable truths in the faces of the weak and oppressed, then listen patiently as they screamed right back.

• He’d support the right to bear arms as long as Walmart keeps selling tank tops.

Gov. Canseco’s first few weeks in office would be surprisingly stable. But then someone would give him the state’s pin number, and then we’d learn the answers to many of life’s greatest mysteries, such as: How can you improve the elementary school P.E. curriculum to boost the lean muscle mass of second graders?

How many Jose Canseco statues can you fit in a church? Would Kim Jong-un like to swap jobs for a day? Which monkey species is the best at mixed martial arts?

Give us the answers, oh Jose. You’re our only hope.