Tips for Penguins to finish up with dignity

If the Pittsburgh Penguins were inmates at a maximum-security prison, their performance on Sunday probably would’ve cost them a shot at parole. Classless and self-destructive, the game put them down 3-0 in the series, and at this point their Stanley Cup hopes seem as barren as Pierre McGuire’s scalp. But can they end their season with a stroke of dignity? It’ll be tough, but if they take our advice they might stand a chance.

  • Allot one roster spot to an actual penguin. Even if it tries to intentionally disable someone with a head injury like James Neal did, at least it will be adorable.

  • Get in touch with the guy who wrote this Craigslist ad. Maybe he’s gotten some helpful responses.

  • Giving up 16 goals in two games is something that only ever happens in video games, so try to adopt a video game kind of mentality. If the score is lopsided, don’t get violent -- just mumble something about the controller not working, then go make a Hot Pocket.

  • Using humor is a great way to diffuse stressful situations, so instead of cross-checking someone in the throat, why not just have a look at Scott Hartnell, who looks like Ronald McDonald’s wife. You’ll probably chuckle a little.

  • Just because Sidney Crosby’s spirit animal is a weasel doesn’t mean he has to act like one. There are other rodent-like creatures that are far more respectable, like naked mole rats and chinchillas. Be proud, Sid. Be a naked mole rat.