If the Pittsburgh Penguins were inmates at a maximum-security prison, their performance on Sunday probably would’ve cost them a shot at parole. Classless and self-destructive, the game put them down 3-0 in the series, and at this point their Stanley Cup hopes seem as barren as Pierre McGuire’s scalp. But can they end their season with a stroke of dignity? It’ll be tough, but if they take our advice they might stand a chance.
Allot one roster spot to an actual penguin. Even if it tries to intentionally disable someone with a head injury like James Neal did, at least it will be adorable.
Get in touch with the guy who wrote this Craigslist ad. Maybe he’s gotten some helpful responses.
Giving up 16 goals in two games is something that only ever happens in video games, so try to adopt a video game kind of mentality. If the score is lopsided, don’t get violent -- just mumble something about the controller not working, then go make a Hot Pocket.
Using humor is a great way to diffuse stressful situations, so instead of cross-checking someone in the throat, why not just have a look at Scott Hartnell, who looks like Ronald McDonald’s wife. You’ll probably chuckle a little.
Just because Sidney Crosby’s spirit animal is a weasel doesn’t mean he has to act like one. There are other rodent-like creatures that are far more respectable, like naked mole rats and chinchillas. Be proud, Sid. Be a naked mole rat.