“Aw, man, I think the clock is slowwwwwww.”
It appears David Lee Roth’s “Hot For Teacher” lament appropriately describes the painfully slow process of jury selection for the Roger Clemens perjury retrial.
The seven-time Cy Young winner's second case is underway in Washington, but everything is just pregame pepper until the jury is assembled. But the process is taking so long that the Associated Press describes it as a “mind-numbing task.”
An all-star team of 12 jurors and four alternates will ultimately be compiled from 90 candidates. Lawyers from each side are asking questions to determine which minds are malleable enough to produce the desired verdict.
To help speed things along, here are vital questions that jurors should be able to answer honestly so that the Rocket -- and all of us -- can get on with our lives:
“Did you read the Mitchell report, or are you waiting for the movie with Brad Pitt to come out?”
“What’s more important -- baseball’s hallowed record book or the ability to throw a 97 mph fastball on your 40th birthday?”
“When it comes to the sporting rivalries of Boston and New York, how do the people associated with the Red Sox and Yankees rate in the spectrum of Good vs. Evil?”
“Have you ever been employed as a personal trainer? If so, can you get syringes at a bulk discount?”
“Have you read either of Jose Canseco’s exposes on baseball’s steroid culture? Do you consider his books fact, fiction or how-to?”
“Are you Jose Canseco?”