It’s withdrawal time, sports fans. With the MLB All-Star Game in the books and nothing but MLS on the sports channels, there is literally nothing left for you to do but roll on the carpet and moan.
But you can’t moan. Your kids need you to be stronger than that. You need to do things, things that give the illusion that there is more to your life than watching big rich guys chase around a sphere.
In anticipation of this week, I’ve come up with a list of those things. Will you give 'em a try? You could, for instance:
• Watch nonprofessional sports. Just head down to the nearest park and take in some of your local rec leagues. Or, if you’re near Chicago, maybe the Cubs are playing.
• Collect all the avocado pits that have rolled beneath your appliances. Trust me, there are dozens.
• Play Pop-Tart Whac-A-Mole with your toaster.
• Ask a bunch of second graders to draw "a Wolf Blitzer" and see what kind of awesome things they come up with.
• Take a moment to reflect on just how wonderfully mature Dwight Howard has been through everything recently.
• Shave your body hair and send a gift to Locks of Love.
• See how long it takes for a Dyson AirBlade hand dryer to finish off a Popsicle.
• Send Floyd Mayweather a letter about how fun it is to have freedom.
• Take some of your old blank CDs and donate them to donuts who don’t have mirrors.
• Drink two wine spritzers and go on a jaywalking spree.
• Do your own ESPN The Magazine “Body Issue” photo shoot, then weep at the sight of your pale, defeated physique.
• If children really are the future, then build a hover board out of a 6-year-old.
• Take up parkour, then hold a parkour retirement ceremony once you get to the hospital.
Stay strong, sports fans. Only a couple of more days.