Five-year-olds have to put up with a lot these days. They’re getting lower returns from the Tooth Fairy, parents are oppressing them with increasingly early bedtimes and "Yo Gabba Gabba!" has totally jumped the shark with all its stupid celebrity cameos.
Also, sometimes they’re publicly discriminated against for their college allegiances.
A 5-year-old boy from Wilson Elementary in Oklahoma City was humiliated last week when his principal made him turn his University of Michigan shirt inside out, saying he could only wear gear from Oklahoma or Oklahoma State.
Folks were outraged, naturally, but it turns out the principal was simply doing his job. Item No. 6 under prohibited apparel in the school district’s dress code reads: “Clothing bearing the names or emblems of all professional and collegiate athletic teams (with the exception of Oklahoma colleges and universities).
If the kid had been up to date on the dress code, all humiliation could’ve been spared. So to save other Wilson Elementary students from future embarrassment, I’ve enlisted legendary Oklahoma Sooners linebacker Brian Bosworth, aka "The Boz," to teach them all the major no-no's of their actual dress code.
Students may not wear:
Clothing that reveals the chest, such as net shirts and undershirts, see-through blouses, halters, tube tops, or clothing that exposes a bare midriff, bodice or abdomen. The Boz does not abide.
Gang dress, such as bandanas and other gang associated symbols, as identified by law enforcement. The Boz goes nowhere without a bandanna.
Haircuts which display gang or cult symbols. Here The Boz sports a ‘do reppin’ the Cult of Boz.
Satanic cult dress, witchcraft and related symbols. Here is The Boz, en route to some sort of witchcraft event.
T‐shirts, sweatshirts and other clothing with profanity, put-downs or suggestive slogans related to the purchase and use of tobacco, drugs, alcohol, sex, and violence. The Boz’s very cool cross-trainers help him put down anyone who isn’t as bad as The Boz.
Obscene or vulgar jewelry. The Boz’s jewelry is obscene. Obscenely cool.
Caps, hats or jackets associated with gangs, cults or secret societies. What is this strange backward cap The Boz is wearing? The wise bird emblem must mean it’s from the Secret Society of the Wise Bird.
Pajama‐type or bedtime wear, or house shoes. The Boz looks impossibly cool in his loungewear.
Spandex sportswear or biker pants. There are literally thousands of images of The Boz in spandex sportswear, biker pants or both. I will not link them because this is a family-friendly site.
Clothing and accessories which display gang/cult identifications. The Boz is the Bad-Butt-in-Chief of the NCAA -- the National Communists Against Athletes.
Flip flops, beach, pool wear, or wheelie shoes. The Boz enjoys sporting beachwear when he’s waltzing with a komodo dragon.
No military style belts or belt buckles. The Boz is always ready for war.