Pretty embarassing allegations, Ball State

Muncie, Ind., home of Ball State. Not a whole lot going on.

There’s a guy who comes out and sells hot dogs every night. There’s a bar where you can go watch crab races. Also, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” took place there, though the actual filming happened in Alabama.

I guess all this is to say that it’s not too surprising when people there do stupid things to pass the time. Like shoplift male enhancement pills, for instance. That’s something that Ball State football players Jonathan Newsome and Toney Williams decided would be fun to do -- ALLEGEDLY! -- and now they're in trouble for it, so I guess it’s only appropriate that we come together as a nation and point and laugh at them Nelson Muntz style.

The shoplifting incident apparently took place last November, but the charges didn’t come to light until this week, when Newsome was arrested for possession of marijuana. He’ll miss the first two games of the season for his most recent infraction, but it’ll take a whole lot longer than two games for the strong, virile lineman -- who is accused of stealing male enhancement pills, even though he is not old or frail -- to salvage his street cred.

Athletes make some embarrassing mistakes, but it’s hard to imagine an athlete shoplifting something more embarrassing than male enhancement pills. So I’ll do the exact opposite. Here’s a list of things less embarrassing for an athlete to shoplift than male enhancement pills:

  • A Build-A-Bear

  • "Frasier:" The Complete Series

  • Balsamic vinaigrette

  • Skechers

  • A child with headgear

  • A Huffy with tassels on the handlebars

  • Settlers of Catan

  • A mannequin from Lane Bryant

  • A Smash Mouth CD

  • PT Cruiser decals

  • Stilts

  • A BeDazzler

  • Low-fat Fig Newtons

  • A General Grievous replica cape

  • 32 Bluetooth headsets stuffed in a pair of culottes

  • An Astros jersey

Seriously, though, male enhancement pills? They're for old people.