Our thoughts exactly, Donovan.
"Wild" Card Weekend? Only if your weekend started at 7 ET on Sunday night. Otherwise, Yawnsville, right? For those of you who supplied the pizza and chips for your wild card parties, we hope you got some leftovers out of it. Roger Goodell was already exploring ways to make week 17 of the NFL season more competitive, but he might want to add Wild Card Weekend to that study. If you happen to have a flux capacitor and some plutonium hanging around and you want a mulligan at this weekends games, here’s what you could have been watching.
4:30 p.m. (ET) Jets 24, Bengals 14: Arguably the league’s most entertaining player was anything but on Saturday. Chad Ochocinco was held to just 28 yards on two receptions by shutdown cornerback Darrelle Revis. The most eye-popping play Ochocinco made on Saturday was during the fourth quarter, when he cried on his teammate's shoulder. For those of you who are fans of the Ryan coaching twins, you definitely got your fill of Rex. We're still holding out hope that he'll let his mop grow out by next week and be sporting something closer to Rob’s silver locks under his Jets cap.
What you could have watched: In the spirit of Cincinnati sports, how about Airborne (1993)? A high school surfer dude is sent to live in Cincinnati when his parents leave for Australia. He trades in his surfboard for some rollerblades and before you know it, he’s playing roller hockey with the locals! Seth Green plays the nerd cousin and 24-year-old Jack Black shows us glimpses of comedic genius. Chris Conrad, one of the leads, actually resembles Carson Palmer.
8 p.m. (ET) Cowboys 34, Eagles 14: The NFL’s largest stadium hosted the most lopsided game of the weekend. Tony Romo devoured the Eagles with 244 yards and two touchdown passes, dismissing the tag of playoff choke artist that he unhappily wore for many years. Like Ochocinco, the league’s most explosive wide receiver, DeSean Jackson, was held in check for 14 yards on three receptions and scored a late TD when the game was out of reach. Shockingly, the highlight of the game came from Michael Vick, who tossed a 76-yard touchdown pass to Jeremy Maclin in the second quarter, putting a smile on all the Corgis faces across America who tuned in to watch.
What you could have watched: For Eagles fans, how about a few episodes of the hit comedy show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? It may not have been as funny as McNabb’s first half, but guaranteed laughs nonetheless. Plus, if you pretend Danny DeVito has a mustache and an Eagles cap, it’s like Andy Reid is delivering the jokes to you.
1 p.m. (ET) Ravens 33, Patriots 14: Before yesterday, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick had never lost a home game in the postseason. But the thought of keeping that streak intact was quickly erased. Ray Rice took the first play from scrimmage for an 83-yard touchdown, giving him the second-longest rush in NFL postseason history. Three Pats plays later, Tom Brady lost a fumble to linebacker Terrell Suggs and New England was down, 14-0. Maybe Brady and Co. should start eating grass? That seems to be the winning recipe for Ray Lewis and Baltimore. The Ravens dominated this game so much that Joe Flacco only needed 34 passing yards in the victory.
What you could have watched: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) was on ABC Family from 1-4:30 ET and it actually parallels the game pretty well. It’s about four children who enter a magical world (Gillette Stadium), meet all sorts of creatures (like this guy and definitely this guy) and battle a nasty witch (Bill Belichick in his evil hoodie). Except in the movie, there’s some action.
4:30 p.m. (ET) Cardinals 51, Packers 45: It was old-timer Kurt Warner in a possible NFL swan song (he said he's considering retirement after the playoffs) against a shiny new quarterback in Aaron Rodgers. And at the start of the game - when Rodgers threw a pick - it looked like the young gun was showing his inexperience. But he turned it around from there, going 28-of-42 for 422 yards (a Packers single-season record) with four TDs. Not to be outdone, though, Mr. Early Bird Special bested his younger foe, going 29-of-33 for 379 yards, five TDs and no interceptions.
What you could have watched: Um, the highest scoring game in NFL history? One that ended in overtime with a 17-yard fumble return for a touchdown. New NFL records galore? Yeah this one was actually pretty good. Of all the 26 NFL games to reach overtime, this was only the second to end on a defensive touchdown. It was also the second time in the Super Bowl era where both quarterbacks threw at least 300 yards and four touchdowns. Warner was involved in the other one, a 1999 game against the Vikings. If you were watching DVRed episodes of Jersey Shore instead of this one, DON'T TELL ANYONE.