My favorite part -- and it comes at the very end -- of the New York Times' story about Red Sox sluggers David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003:
- In 2007, Ortiz said that he used to buy a protein shake in the Dominican Republic when he was younger and did not know if it contained a performance-enhancing drug.
"I don't do that anymore because they don't have the approval for that here, so I know that, so I'm off buying things at the GNC back in the Dominican Republic,” Ortiz told The Boston Herald. He added: "I don't know if I drank something in my youth, not knowing it.”
In February, he said that players who tested positive for steroids should be suspended for an entire season - about 100 games more than the current policy requires for a first offense.
Now, finally, we can translate.
When Ortiz said he used to buy a protein shake, he meant, "I used to use steroids, and if anyone ever finds out I failed a drug test, I'm going to blame it on tainted shakes. Because real men don't drink fruit smoothies."
When Ortiz said players who fail drug tests should be suspended for a whole season, he actually meant, "Anybody who gets caught now should be severely punished not for using drugs, but for being stupid enough to get caught."
Come to think of it, Papi might have a point there.