A Bears fan's dilemma

CHICAGO -- As you may have heard, Brett Favre has returned to the NFL after a lengthy seven-month retirement that just happened to coincide with the offseason.

And if you're a real die-hard football fan -- the kind that, well, breathes and takes in information from any and all medium -- you're also aware he plays for the Minnesota Vikings, the Packers' most hated rival not from Chicago. You're also aware this is his last-ditch effort to recapture his fading youth, not to mention get revenge against the guy who essentially fired him for old age, Packers general manager Ted Thompson. And sure, he's trying to win some more games and go to the Super Bowl.

As it so happens, Favre's new team plays his old team on Monday night. Now Favre may just be a country boy from Mississippi who loves nothing more than working on his land and killing docile animals, but I'm pretty sure he's had this game circled on his John Deere calendar since his second retirement began and his courtship of Minnesota began.

As a Chicago Bears fan (I'm assuming you're a Chicagoan and a Bears fan), you're probably having a tough time rooting for anyone, or anything, in this matchup, aside from a meteor crash, or worse, a tie. Both are too macabre to consider.

So here's a handy quiz that will help settle which team you should root for, the Favre Vikings or the Favre-less Packers. Answer these questions and compare your results at the end of the column. Don't peek.

1. When you heard Favre was signing with Minnesota for the 1,500th and final time, your first thought was:
A. Why won't this guy stop hogging the spotlight already and just concentrate on those backyard games where everyone plays in tight jeans?
B. Good for him, he deserves to play until he deems it necessary to retire. It's his life.
C. JayCutlerJayCutlerJayCutler. Who cares about Brett Fav-ruh?

2. Hanging on the ceiling of popular Chicago karaoke bar Blue Frog is a 1960s-era board game called, "Vince Lombardi's Game." If Brett Favre had a board game, what would be the object of the game?
B. Make sure the game never, ever ends.
A. Win the Super Bowl on a last-second touchdown pass.
C. I'd rather play Boggled: The Rex Grossman Game.

3. If a mysterious stranger offered to give you the secret to eternal happiness, but told you that such information would require you to pick one of the following outcomes, which would you choose? (Head nod to Chuck Klosterman)
A. You can still be a Bears fan, but you must wear a foam cheese head for 15 hours a day, from August until February, for five years.
B. You have to root for the Packers, and have a deep-seated hatred for the Bears, but the Bears will win six consecutive Super Bowls, so your family and friends will be happy.
C. Coach Ditka will tell you he loves you, but you can never reciprocate.

4. Brett Favre is:
A. A guy who doesn't know when to retire and give up the ghost, a la Michael Jordan. Only more stubbly.
B. A legend you grudgingly respect.
C. Lookin' mighty fine in them jeans.

5. Packers fans are:
A. Worthy adversaries.
B. Best described as harmless rubes. You know, country folk.
C. Similar to Bears fans, but not as sophisticated.

6. The best Viking of all time is:
A. Fran Tarkenton
B. Adrian Peterson
C. Hagar the Horrible

7. What's a more disturbing fact about the Vikings?
A. Their similarly naked desperation to sign Favre at all costs.
B. The Sex Boat Party fiasco.
C. Daunte Culpepper's old fur coat collection.

8. Would you rather:
A. Have your daughter marry a Packers fan and live in Appleton, Wis.
B. Have your son quit law school to follow Favre around in the Grateful He's Not Dead Tour.
C. Have your new flat-screen TV show nothing but a looped tape of Bears quarterbacks, 1994 to 2008, for 365 consecutive days.

9. If Mayor Daley came to your house and said the city could host the Olympics, and make a $5 billion profit that would all go toward public schools, affordable housing and streamlined public transportation for everyone, but only if you, and you alone, agreed to wear a Brett Favre jersey three times a week until the 2016 Games begin, you would say:
A. The only thing I hate more than the Olympics is Brett Favre, so no.
B. Of course, wearing a Favre jersey for seven years is a small price to pay for such joy for everyone, including Daley's friends and family.
C. Who cares, it's all over at that point, anyway.

10. What's your ideal scenario for Monday's game?
A. Packers win big, Favre throws four picks and cries in Suzy Kolber's arms in their postgame interview.
B. Favre plays like Kyle Orton, Adrian Peterson runs wild and the emotional loss puts the Packers into a tailspin they never recover from.
C. President Obama decides to annex Minneapolis to Canada, and both teams are traded to the Canadian Football League.

If you answered mostly A., you hate Brett Favre and should root for the Packers to teach the old man a lesson. If you answered mostly B., you'd rather see Favre and the Vikings beat the Packers, because you just can't stand Green Bay. If you answered C., you should spend the game at Ditka's eating a porterhouse and reminiscing over the Bears' easy win against Detroit the day before, while dreaming of Cutler hoisting the Lombardi Trophy.

Jon Greenberg is a columnist for ESPNChicago.com. He can be reached at jgreenberg@espnchicago.com.