The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
Ever met a woman, late night roamin'
Party 'til your money was gone.
A smiling Mona Lisa, loaded up your Visa,
And took the bartender home.
I said, stand up, if you've ever been there,
Stand up, identify.
Stand up, tell us all about it,
Stand up ... and testify.
-- "Stand Up" Mel McDaniel
As we closed the book on Week 6 and the Bottom 10 illegally turned the crown of its helmet toward mid-October, the color of the leaves hadn't been the only aspect of our world that's started to turn.
Here at Bottom 10 HQ, located in the clock factory where Chris Petersen stockpiles alarm clocks to send to East Coast writers to keep them up for late kickoffs, we have been covered up. No, not in the falling orange-and-red foliage, but rather the scorching orange-and-red hot takes from the fans of the teams whom those fine people deem worthy of inclusion in our rankings.
Yeah, that's right. People are wearing us out 'round the clock, demanding that their teams be at the top of the bottom of the college football world. Funny how that works. Just one month ago, they were angry to be included. Now they are pouring that same passion into begging to be members of the club. We call it #Bottom10Lobbying.
They lobby to be ranked first. They lobby to be ranked at all.
They even lobby to breathe the mystical ether that surrounds the Coveted Fifth Spot.
As my mama used to say, you've got recognize the person you are, no matter what kind of person you might be. And her favorite song was Mel McDaniel's "Stand Up." That is not a coincidence.
With apologies to Sonny Throckmorton and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. Charlotte 0-and-6ers (0-6)
No fan base has made the above described transition quite like the group that's closest to my house. I am surrounded by Charlotte alums on a daily basis, so I have witnessed firsthand their journey through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Just this week my 49er cul-de-sac neighbor has told me to talk to the hand, then extended one finger of that hand, pointed at me to ask that his team at be moved out of the top/bottom spot, then used that hand to wipe away tears and then, ultimately, asked me to shake that hand. It's been a little out of hand.
2. UMess (0-6)
All of what I just said about Charlotte fans is what UMass fans went through with me one year ago, only it sounded a lot more like a Scorsese movie.
3. San No-se State (1-6)
So, how did the other Spartans leapfrog a couple of oh-fer teams even though they have a win? First, that win was against Cal Poly, an 0-6 FCS team. Second, I received a 900-word numerically-based argument for the SJSU to be ranked as America's worst team. It was sent by a man who says he's actually a statistics professor at San Jose State. His name is Dr. San Jose Estado ... oh, wait ... I think I got #Bottom10Lobbying prank-emailed.
4. UTEP (0-6)
The good news? The Miners looked better with former head coach-turned-current interim head coach Mike Price manning the pick ax, narrowly losing to Western Kentucky 15-14. The bad news? Their one good really bad loss doesn't look as really good as it once did. What loss was that? Remember when they went to Norman back in Week 1?
5. O (no!) U Sooners (4-1)
On the one hand, Oklahoma shocked the world by losing to 30-point underdog Iowa State to grab the Coveted Fifth Spot. On the other hand, they have lost to a double-digit underdog each of the last seven seasons, so we shouldn't be shocked at all.
6. Baylor (0-5)
The same Oklahoma issue applied to UTEP's good bad loss can also be applied to the Bears' lone bad good loss, a near-win vs. the then-third-ranked Sooners three weeks ago. On the bright side, they did cover the spread against the Fightin' Byes of Open Date U. By the way, all you Kansas fans so sore about not being the Big 12's representative here, we'll settle this on the field one month from now.
7. State of Kent (1-5)
Boiling Green won, thanks to a bad snap-turned-TD return against My Hammy of Ohio. The Buffalo Bulls Not Bills lost in seven (!) overtimes to Western Michigan. But Kent kept on keeping on, getting rolled 24-3 by Northern Illinois. But the best #Bottom10Lobbying effort came from a fan of 2-3 Eastern Michigan, stuck in a meh Ypsilanti purgatory somewhere between winning the Bottom 10 title two years ago and going to a bowl game last December.
8. Georgia Southern Not State (0-4)
The very first year I did these rankings I received weekly "You better not come to Statesboro" emails from GS (not GSU) fans because I had them ranked for one week at the start of the season. Now, four years later, I receive "Please come to Statesboro because we hate our coach" emails from those same fans, asking to be ranked. It's the circle of life, only Simba is an eagle.
9. EC-Yew (1-5)
The most resolute #Bottom10Lobbying argument I received this week came from an East Carolina alum and former letterman, incredulous in his demands to know my reasoning in not having his alma mater in the top/bottom spot. He delivered his argument not by way of Twitter, email, text or phone call. It came via all four, nearly all at once, all day and night. Finally, I had to step in and stop the deluge. "OK, I got it!" I screamed. "That's enough, Dad!"
10. Ore-gone State (1-5)
You know a coach has lost the handle when he forgets it's perfectly OK to take the cash with you as you leave.
Waiting list: Texas State Armadillos (1-5), Myrtle Beach University Chanticleers (1-4), South Alabama (1-4), No-vada (1-5), U-Can't (1-4), B-WHY?!-U (1-5), Living on Tulsa Time (1-5), Kansas Nayhawks (1-3), In A Rut-gers (1-4), Minute Rice (1-5), UNC Tear Heels (1-5), Miss-eww (1-4), wearing khakis in the pouring rain.