The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
I don't need your civil war.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no uh-oh-uh, no uh-oh, uh no.
I don't need one more war.
No, no, no, no uh-oh-uh, no uh-oh, uh no.
Whaz so civil 'bout war anyway?
--"Civil War" Guns N' Roses
It was perhaps the most Bottom 10 moment in the history of Bottom 10 moments.
Not the Wake Forest-Boston College game that was decided on a BC fumble inside its own 5 and ended 3-0. But that was awesome. As in awesomely bad.
Not Rutgers spiking the ball on fourth down to seal a 31-24 loss to Michigan State. But that, too, was awesomely awful.
Not even Arkansas head coach Bret Bielema doing an NBA flop act to draw an unsportsmanlike conduct flag. Though it was such awesomely effective awful acting.
No, I'm talking about a genuine, old-fashioned made-up rivalry, the kind that we jokingly write up here in the Bottom 10 on a weekly basis, but on Saturday happened in actual, real life. Seeking some sort of spark to fire up his UConn Huskies, head coach Bob Diaco decided that UCF -- a school 1,200 miles and 10 states away -- would be the Huskies' big rival. He dubbed the game between the American opponents the Civil ConFLiCT (see the state abbreviations there?), commissioned a trophy and even had it displayed beneath a countdown clock outside the locker room.
Only, UCF was never on board. Even Knightro, channeling his own Mean Girl, publicly mocked Diaco's scheme:
I think Regina George said it best pic.twitter.com/OTxNCVo9Mg— Knightro (@UCF_Knightro) October 10, 2015
But it did happen. And it just so happened to also be our Pillow Fight of the Week. And UConn won. And hoisted the trophy in triumph. And it was awesome. And it got us to thinking ... what other totally contrived rivalries have we been missing out on simply because we were too lazy to drive down to the local trophy store?
With apologies to Regina George and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. North Texas Forty (0-5)
The Mean Green got housed so badly by Portland State on homecoming that by night's end head coach Dan McCarney was homeless (not really, he got a pretty sweet buyout). This weekend brings a visit from Conference USA leader Western Kentucky for the NorthWestern KenTexas Hoedown. The winner will receive a bourbon bottle with a golden horseshoe hanging around its neck.
2. Kansas (0-5)
There has never been a moment that better illustrates the struggle of Bottom 10 vs. Top 10 than the images of 6-7, 410-pound Baylor tight end LaQuan McGowan with the ball and the only man between him and paydirt being a 5-10, 173 defensive back. This weekend the Nayhawks host Texas Tech in the KUTT 'Em Up Classic, where the winner receives free haircuts at midfield from Kliff Kingsbury's stylist.
3. Why,oming? (0-5)
Wyoming lost at Air Force 31-17, the third time in four weeks that its opponent scored 31 points. On Saturday afternoon, the Cowboys host the Nevada Wolf Pack for the WolfBoys Trophy, which is actually just a Michael J. Fox action figure from "Teen Wolf" riding a plastic cow.
4. UC (not S)F (0-6)
UCF head coach George O'Leary was so in love with the Civil ConFLiCT ("I don't know anything about that ... I didn't know anything about a trophy ... When you go 10 states away, it's hard. North or South thing or whatever, I don't know") that you know he's gonna be fired up for this week's trip from Orlando to Philly to visit undefeated Temple. Especially when he finds out we've dubbed it the I-95 Road Warriors Throwdown Slowdown. The trophy is a die-cast minivan with Pennsylvania plates, filled with little dolls in Phillies and Eagles gear stuck in I-95 traffic on their way to Walt Disney World.
5. Monday (0-0)
At breakfast: Steve Sarkisian fired at USC. At lunch: Will Grier suspended at Florida for PED use. At dinner: Steve Spurrier hangs up his visor at South Carolina. How was a man supposed to get an asinine Bottom 10 written while bombshells are being detonated all around him? By the way, Oklahoma was originally in the Coveted Fifth Spot, but it was bumped. Now, where did I put that "I Hate Mondays" Garfield poster?
6. New Mexico State (0-5)
Just two weeks ago, the Other Aggies lost to New Mexico in a game so great it has two nicknames, the Rio Grande Rivalry and the Battle of I-25. After a trip to 14th-ranked Ole Miss in the WTH Is This Game Even Happening Classic, they stay down South for a visit to Georgia Southern Not State for the Man Do We Really Wish This Was Georgia State Not Southern Clash, the winner of which will receive a Georgia state flag. No, not a Georgia State flag ... an actual state flag.
7. The Boys From Oopsilanti (1-5)
The Eagles fell to Akron 47-21. This weekend, EMU embarks on the second half of its Ohio Challenge, facing the Rockets in the Toledo to Ypsilanti Blitzkrieg, presented by Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vowels (which is a real thing, by the way). The winner receives a gold star from a fifth-grade spelling teacher.
8. I-duh-ho (1-4)
Let's pause here for a moment and appreciate the fact that after last weekend there are now six teams in the Sun Belt Conference with one or fewer wins. After a tough loss to Open Date University, the Vandals travel to Troy for the latest edition of the Pillow Fight of the Week. But in this era of newly conjured rivalry games, it's much more than that. It's the Idaho/Troy Fun Belt Border War, and the winner will take home a road map that was folded up by my wife, which should make it look like Idaho and Alabama are actually next to each other.
9. My Hammy Of Ohio (1-5)
Last weekend the Redhawks lost to Ohio in the No, Neither One Of Us Are Ohio State Classic. This weekend brings a visit from Northern Illinois in the No, We Aren't the Miami or the Huskies You Probably Thought We Were When You Saw This on the Channel Guide Skirmish. Or, as it's engraved on the trophy, 2015 WATMOTHYPTWWWYSTOTCHGS.
10. Maryland (2-4)
Over a three-day stretch, Terrapins head coach Randy Edsall was rumored to be fired, lost big to Ohio State, got really angry at the media afterward and then was actually fired. In two weeks Maryland hosts Penn State, but this weekend it welcomes in the Fightin' Byes of Open Date U. in the Dream Job Classic. The trophy is a bronze sculpture of a tree falling in the forest and not making a sound.
Waiting list: Georgia State Not Southern (1-4), Fres-No State (1-5), U-Mess (1-4), Army Black Nots (1-5), R.O.C.K. in the U-T-S-A (1-5), FA(Not I)U (1-4), Pur-don't (1-5), the entire bottom half of the Sun Belt, the continuing Pete Carroll legacy at USC.