NCAAF Teams
Ryan McGee, ESPN Senior Writer 378d

Bottom 10: Everyone's at a loss

College Football, LSU Tigers, Florida Gators, Florida International Golden Panthers, Rice Owls, Miami (OHIO) RedHawks, San Jose State Spartans, Iowa State Cyclones, Massachusetts Minutemen, Fresno State Bulldogs, Kansas Jayhawks, Louisiana Monroe Warhawks

The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:

"Nah, I don't ever take the Novocaine. Why? Because if you stop every pain with some kind of drug or something, you'll never learn any lessons. Yeah, the dentist cringes every time he puts that drill to me, but I just tell him, go ahead, man. I know it's gonna hurt. Maybe this will teach me to take better care of my teeth."

-- Richard Petty

How do you want to lose? Because, guess what, you're going to. Everyone is. Every winning streak ends. Every team, no matter how storied, has a number larger than zero in the all-time "L" column of its media guide.

So, since losing is inevitable, how do you prefer your poison? Would you rather know it was over quickly, even if it means enduring four quarters of anguish? You know, like Cumberland losing to Georgia Tech 222-0, the most lopsided loss in college football history that just so happened to mark its 100th anniversary this past Friday? Or like Rutgers, who won the first-ever college football game nearly a century a half ago, but on Saturday suffered the most lopsided beatdown of the current millennium, falling 78-0 to Michigan?

Or would rather your defeats be delivered guillotine style, with as much pain as can possibly be crammed into the tiniest fraction of the clock? I'm talking about a blocked extra point at Miami, a double-overtime interception tossed by Tennessee, or, if you're really into pain, Sunday's finish at Florida Atlantic University.

Which way is best? Which way paves the smoothest road to a stronger mind, body and will? Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located in the factory where Marty Smith's hair products are packaged, we keep a sports psychologist on staff to help our members deal with such issues. Unfortunately, she's a Rutgers graduate and has refused to leave the ladies room since Saturday evening. The last we could make out, she just kept muttering "Jabrill ... Peppers ... good ..." over and over.

With apologies to Coleman Griffith and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.

1. FA(not I)U (1-5)

To recap: Over the past two weeks the Owls have lost the Shula Bowl to FI(not A)U, who were the previously top-ranked Bottom 10 team. Then they had their hometown sacked by a hurricane. Then they lost the rescheduled Sunday game to the Charlotte 2-and-4'ers, who were the previously third-ranked Bottom 10 team. Aand oh yeah, they also lost it the way that they lost it.

2. Rice (0-5)

The Other Owls fell to the Fightin' Byes of Open Date U. after a controversial targeting call. This weekend they welcome in R-O-C-K in the UTSA for Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year 5. It's actually PFOWY6 because last week we told you that PFWOY5, between My Hammy of Ohio and the State of Kent, was going to be played last week, but it actually won't be played until this week. Sorry, we tend to get a little overexcited thinking about PFOWYs.

3. My Hammy Of Ohio (0-6)

One week ago our Bottom 10 Selection Committee struggled with whether to go with My Hammy or State of Kent. The fight became so intense that committee member Jerry Glanville threw a box of NASCAR spark plugs at Watson Brown. But this week was no contest. Hammy lost to Akron, who'd already beaten Kent the week before, while Kent defeated Buffalo. And so it was that on Saturday, Oct. 8, 2016, a football victory over Buffalo was a huge deal.

4. San José State (1-5)

The Spartans handed Hawaii its first road win in 10 games and first conference victory in four years, this on the same day that Stanford lost to Washington State and Cal lost to lost Oregon State. In related news, tours to Alcatraz have been temporarily suspended. Sources tell me that the D-Block has been taken over by a bear, a tree and a Spartan begging to remain locked away until the start of spring practice.

5. LSU and Florida (0-0)

Dear rich gray-haired dudes in the nice suits. If my family can come to a decision every weekend over what topping to put on a shared pizza then you guys can certainly figure out how to reschedule a football game.

6. I-Ow!-A State (1-5)

The Clones blew a double-digit fourth-quarter lead in a Big 12 contest for the second consecutive week, outscored 17-0 in the final quarter in both games. See: the intro to this week's poll.

7. UMess (1-5)

The Massachusetts Minutemen fell to the Old Dominion Monarchs, a school named to honor England's Charles II, in the annual King's Revenge For The Loss At The Old North Bridge Classic.

8. Fres-no State (1-5)

The saying in Bulldog Country used to be that they would play "anybody, anytime, anywhere." That's still true. This year they just probably aren't going to beat them once they get to whomever whenever wherever.

9. Kansas Nayhawks (1-4)

Kansas missed a would-be game-winning 54-yard field goal attempt that fell short. On Monday, head coach David Beaty said he'd received calls from KU supporters saying the team deserved to win but said, "We don't get to play close. ... That's not what the goal is." Note to Kansas kickers: Until you've earned it, please miss by more.

10. ULM (1-4)

Speaking of kicks, you have to feel for UL(not another L)M. Anytime you lose a game via a last-second field goal it stings. But just imagine how difficult it will be for Louisiana-Monroe fans for the next 12 months. Everywhere they go they'll have to endure all that smack talk from their Idaho neighbors.

Waiting list: Buffalo Bulls not Bills (1-4), NI-Whew (1-5), Ill-noise (1-4), UTEP (1-5), Marshall (1-4), Bowling Green (1-5), Georgia State Not Southern (1-4), Arkansas State (1-4), In a Rut-gers (2-4), flattening Penn State kickers, playing in hurricanes.

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