The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
Sometimes the little things start closing in on me
When I'm feeling down I wanna lose that frown
I stick my head out the window and I look around
Those clouds don't scare me, they can't disguise
This magic that's happening right before my eyes
Soon Mr. Moon will be shining bright
So the best day ever can last all night
Yes, the best day ever's gonna last all night now
It's the best day everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(Best day ever)
-- "Best Day Ever," SpongeBob SquarePants
As we move through our paths in this universe, we feebly attempt to predict and earmark the mile markers of life. But in reality, the true milestones, the moments by which our time here on this celestial coil are ultimately punctuated, are not chosen for us. They happen to us. Sometimes overwhelmingly, all at once.
That brings us to Saturday, around 8:07 p.m. ET.
The first half of Double Pillow Fight of the Year 2 had just gone into the record books. UMass, then No. 3 in the Bottom 10, had throttled then-No. 9 Georgia Southern 55-20. Then-top/bottom-ranked Charlotte was already down 17-0 late in the second quarter to UAB, a team that didn't exist this time last year. Meanwhile, a plane buzzed over Charlotte's stadium, calling for the athletic director's dismissal.
Up the road in Greenville, North Carolina, the second game of the doubleheader was underway as then-No. 6 East Carolina was tied with then-No. 2 BYU 10-10, also in the second quarter. Meanwhile, fans milled about ECU's stadium, also calling for the athletic director's dismissal.
While this was happening, one-win UNC was down 28-0 to Virginia Tech, despite giving up only one offensive touchdown, and one-win Rice was kicking it off at former Bottom 10 stalwart R.O.C.K. in the UTSA. And Kansas was kicking it off on ... wait ... this couldn't be right ... national network television?
By night's end, the rankings had been turned inside-out by the biggest one-day Bottom 10 scramble ever recorded. As Charlotte scored on a flea-flicker two-point conversion to beat UAB in double overtime, I involuntarily screamed in elation, "BEST DAY EVER!"
My wife voluntarily threw a pillow that hit me in the face and screamed in irritation, "It's not day! It's midnight! Go to sleep!"
With apologies to Patrick Star and Steve Harvey, here is this week's Bottom 10.
1. Georgia Southern Not State (0-6)
When I first took over the Bottom 10 from Mark Schlabach, I listed the Eagles Not Panthers in my very first rankings. That led to a season's worth of angry correspondence from Statesboro, Georgia, as Georgia Southern wound up winning the Fun Belt title. Years later, those same fans have used my Twitter timeline as a megaphone to champion firing head coach Tyson Summers. On Sunday, he was indeed let go.
2. B-Why?-U (1-7)
The Cougars traveled 2,235 miles from Provo, Utah, to Greenville, North Carolina, only to lose to the East Carolina Pirates 33-17. To make matters worse ...
3. San No-se State (1-7)
BYU fans are doing heavy #Bottom10Lobbying to have their team moved into the top/bottom spot in the rankings, but the Cougars' loss wasn't as bad as Georgia Southern's loss, and they have one win to Georgia Southern's zero wins. This weekend BYU hosts these guys in the first half of Double Pillow Fight of the Year 3. The loser of that game will have a solid argument for No. 1. What's the second half of the DPFOY3? Keep reading ...
4. UTEP (0-7)
The Miners defeated the Fightin' Byes of Open Date U., though they did fail to cover the spread.
5. The Wack-12
How does an entire conference take the Coveted Fifth Spot? Everyone in the Pac-12 has at least one conference loss, and the two teams with only one loss -- Washington and Washington State -- both lost to teams with at least three losses. Meanwhile, USC, the team everyone always wants to point to as a good loss, already has two losses, including Saturday night's brutal loss at Notre Dame. Is the Pac-12's shot at the College Football Playoff completely lost? No, but the league is one loss away from the CFP being a total loss.
6. Myrtle Beach U. Chanticleers (1-6)
If you're still hanging around to learn the second half of Double Pillow Fight of the Year 3, first off, thanks for continuing to read. Second, this is it. The Myrtle Beach Fightin' Funnel Cakes (aka Coastal Carolina) host Texas State down at the Pavilion. The winners get a free T-shirt from Mother Fletcher's. The losers have to spend Halloween in one of those old motels down in Garden City, the ones that smell like dumpsters full of shrimp tails tossed out by the local seafood buffet.
Editor's Note: The Bottom 10 author grew up in the Carolinas and realizes that while those Myrtle Beach inside jokes are likely to be lost on a larger national audience, you rednecks who know what he's talking about likely just laughed so hard you shot Sun Drop out of your nose.
7. Texas State Armadillos (1-6)
But hey, Texas State fans, if you're making the trip to Coastal Carolina this weekend, seriously do get a funnel cake. They're delicious. And some taffy. And an airbrushed license plate with you and your loved one's name framed in a blue sunset.
8. Baylor (0-6)
On Saturday, the Bears host Texas. We don't care. Why? Because ...
9. Kansas Nayhawks (1-6)
... on Nov. 4, Baylor travels to see these guys, who just hit a 20-year low for offensive output by an FBS team, posting a grand total of 21 yards against TCU. Kansas is so bad that even the two schools with Kansas in their name that are usually pretty good -- Kansas State and Arkansas -- have losing records.
10. UNC Tear Heels (1-7)
Kansas can't move the ball in the Big 12, where everyone moves the ball. Meanwhile, North Carolina can't move the ball in the ACC, despite being coached by Larry Fedora, a guy who helped kick-start the Big 12 offensive revolution back in the day. I wonder, is Fedora still drinking Red Bulls as he does when his team is good, or has he switched to something more appropriate? Like, I don't know, crankcase sludge?
Waiting list: Charlotte 1-and-7ers (1-7), UMess (1-6), Ore-gone State (1-6), Boiling Green (1-7), No-vada (1-7), Minute Rice (1-6), Living On Tulsa Time (2-6), EC-Yew (2-6), "We Want Bama" chants (0-30).