The Bottom 10 Inspirational Thought of the Week:
Don't let it end
Baby we could have so much more
Don't let it end
Honey please don't walk out that door
Don't let it end
I'm begging you, don't let it end this way
Don't let it end
I'm begging you, don't let it end this way, no, no, no...
...no, no, no
-- "Don't Let It End," Styx
While the College Football Playoff selection committee gathered in its traditional location, a posh meeting room in the swanky Gaylord Texan overlooking Lake Grapevine in North Texas, our Bottom 10 selection committee assembled at the nearby Hacienda Courts, located alongside a body of water that looks great at night but is actually a water treatment facility.
Like the playoff people, this year's roster was packed with dignitaries. We welcomed back former coaches Watson Brown, Jerry Glanville and Charlie Weis, former fake head coaches Sam Winters and Ed "Straight Arrow" Gennero, former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright and Manny, the night clerk at the Hacienda Courts, who had to step in at the last minute when Dan Hawkins bailed on us to take the UC Davis job.
Honestly, it was a boring 24 hours. The only previously ranked Bottom 10 team in action was Texas State. On Saturday night we all huddled around Secretary Albright's Blackberry to watch the game on the ESPN app, but her battery died: Sorry, I've been playing "Clash of Clans" all day. So we became bored and drove over to the Grapevine to throw rocks at Barry Alvarez's hotel room window.
Still though, there were final rankings to formulate. So we did. And now we present those to you as the playoff committee did, by way of a Q&A with the media corps creepily congregated outside our meeting room, answering unreasonable questions about our reasons behind our reasoning.
With apologies to Don Ready and Steve Harvey, here are the final Bottom 10 standings of 2016.
1. Fres-no State (1-11)
Ryan, Ed Hinton from The National: Fresno State didn't even play this weekend. As you mentioned, Texas State did play and lost badly. So how does a team in action not leapfrog a team that was in a state of inaction?
Honestly, going into the weekend we believed that not playing would ultimately knock Fresno out of the top spot. But I ran into playoff committee chairman Kirby Hocutt at a Taco Bueno on Saturday, and he said Ohio State wasn't playing either and they were still good to go, so I felt like that gave us an opening. Plus, CTL+C'ing teams up and down this list just takes too much effort.
2. Texas State Armadillos (2-10)
Hoss Langhorne of the A.M. Journal Express: As you mentioned and then Ed mentioned again, Texas State was the only Bottom 10 team playing, and it lost to Arkansas State 36-14. Did that result create much confusion in the room?
No, what created confusion in the room was when Ed Gennero recused himself at the start of the Texas State discussion. We tried to explain that this was the Texas State Bobcats, not the Texas State Armadillos that he coached in the 1990s, who were in fact a movie team and not a real team. Then he realized that he wasn't real, either. That's always going to be confusing.
3. In a Rut-gers (2-10)
Vini Mad Dog Lopez, Asbury Park Press: The College Football Playoff selection committee clearly loves the Big Ten. Your committee does too. How would you classify Rutgers' young membership in that conference?
When I was in college I once asked out the Goth girl who always sat in the back corner of my western civ class. Her face was painted white, she had a skull ornament dangling from her nose and her lipstick color was O Negative. Sweet girl, but sitting in that booth at Applebee's we both knew pretty quickly it probably wasn't going to work out.
4. Buffalo Bills, er Bulls (2-10)
Samuel Clemens of the Buffalo Courier-Express: Looking at the final breakdown of your Bottom 10, it includes multiple Big Ten teams, but Buffalo is the only team from the MAC. Are you surprised?
Yes. And because of that we are now replacing the popular Twitter hashtag #MACtion with #MACshunned.
5. Your favorite team that didn't make the playoff
James Harbaugh, senior writer at bigblueisawesomeandsoarekhakis.net: Does your committee have a message for those of us who woke up this morning, not to mention every morning for the last week, feeling left out?
Yes, we know it's no fun when your team didn't get one of the four playoff slots. We know your team played a tougher schedule than the other teams did. We know your team had injuries that one week when they lost that one game that they shouldn't have. We know it stinks to be the final Coveted Fifth Spot squad of 2016. But look on the bright side. You could be one of the other nine teams on this list. Or, even worse, one of the teams on our Waiting List who were so bad that their fans keep tweeting demands to have them moved onto the real list.
6. Kansas Nayhawks (2-10)
Frank Morgan of the Emerald City Enquirer: You mentioned the recusal procedures. Did Charlie Weis have to recuse himself when Kansas was discussed?
Yes. He'd go stand in the hallway outside our conference room. However, I do believe he had his ear pressed to the door listening because whenever anyone would say the word "Kansas" we could hear him yell "dollar dollar bills, y'all!"
7. UMess (2-10)
Ralph Emerson, The Dial: Chairman McGee, UMass fans were particularly ugly to you early in the season. Have you heard from any of them over the last few weeks?
There was one guy last week who came after me dressed in authentic Minuteman garb and threatened me with his musket rifle. But it took him, like, 10 minutes to load it, so I just walked away.
8. UV-ugh (2-10)
Roger Mudd from the Richmond News Leader: Could you please go over the discussion points as you remember them concerning Virginia and their final ranking?
No, I cannot. As soon as anyone mentioned Virginia, Madeleine Albright would get all amped up and tell us stories about the original Secretary of State, UVa founder Thomas Jefferson. The last thing I remember was "and then Tommy said to Louis XVI..." before I fell asleep.
9. Pur-don't (3-9)
Kid Shaleen from The Indianapolis Times: Last week the committee had Illinois in this spot. Now you've swapped them out for another Big Ten team. Why would you do something so stupid?
Last week we had Ill-uh-noise in this spot because of their head-to-head loss to Pur-don't back on Oct. 8. But over the last week, the Boilermakers' season-ending loss to Indiana in the Old Oaken Bucket game has looked worse as we've learned that the then-Hoosiers' coach had been using that bucket to pour salt into his players' wounds.
10. EC-Yew (3-9)
Edward Teach of the Goldsboro Daily Rough Notes: East Carolina won the head-to-head matchup with Connecticut, which was also 3-9 and 1-7 in the American East but finished behind ECU via the tiebreaker. Can you explain the committee's thought process here?
Yes, ECU did beat UConn, but they also lost to Cincinnati, who also finished tied for last in the American East but also lost to UConn, who earlier in the year defeated Virginia, who lost to Virginia Tech 52-10, compared to ECU's 54-17 loss to Virginia Tech earlier in the season. I hope that clears things up. Oh, and every season is a snowflake.
Waiting list: Ill-uh-inoise (3-9), Ucan't (3-9), Rice (3-9), New Mexico State (3-9), FA(not I)U (3-9), Marshall Blundering Herd (3-9), State of Kent (3-9), UTEP Minors (4-8), San Jose State (4-8), people who still make serious "We Want Bama" signs.