ROME IS BURNING
Lennox Lewis is lucky he's still the heavyweight champion of the world and now would be a good time to stop telling people he is one of the greatest heavyweights of all time. He wasn't even the best fighter in the ring Saturday night at staples; Vitali Klistchko was. Klitchko was ahead on all three judges cards and was on his way to winning the fight, well, either that or losing his left eye, so the doctor ringside rightfully stopped the fight after six. Klitchko showed enormous heart and carried the night if not the fight. Lewis, normally an eloquent and dignified spokesman for the sport afforded Klitchko even less respect after the fight than before it despite getting jacked up. He droned on about the state of Klitchko's face and said that he would take on both bros in a rematch. Come on Lennox, you're better than that. It's every boxer's worst nightmare: once great, but suddenly, seemingly without warning, one night, you're old, slow, unable to get out of the way of punches and pull the trigger. Lewis was all that, and out of shape, rusty and imminently beatable. And his decision to add Klitchko at the last second proved near fatal. Lewis is lucky to still have his belt and instead of securing his legacy, he's undoing it.

In baseball, despite already being under house arrest, Jose Canseco was arrested again, this time for testing positive for steroids, a violation of his probation. Only Jose could get arrested while already under arrest. I guess he had to rock up for those all important fan visits to his prison cell, errr, his home in Florida. Yes, for $2500 bucks, you too can spend an afternoon with a delusional, washed up ballplayer, who can regale you with stories about how he was blackballed from the sport for taking a flyball off his coconut and heading it over the wall. One of Jose's flaks insists these fan visits are not about the money, but rather showing the fans one at a time, that Jose really isn't a bad guy. Look, whenever an athlete says it's not about the money, that's exactly what it's about. It's about the money. Secondly, if you're so intent on showing everyone what a good guy you are , why not let everyone in, all at once, for free.. My man, you have become the Dennis Rodman of baseball. How long before you dye your hair and pierce your face? I know it didn't end the way you wanted it to but your buffonry off the field is already obscuring your greatness on it. Check yourself before we forget that you even played the game.

How about America's fastest growing sport, Nascar making the switch from deathsticks to cell phones? Tobacco giant RJ Reynolds is out after 32 years as the sport's title sponsor and for a cool $700 mill, Nextel is in. Winston needs to stockpile it's jack to pay off all those people they have poisoned over the years, errr, they're pulling out because of an uncertain legal climate. Question is, will dyed in the neck Nascar fan put down his tin can and string and go wireless? I'm not sure. Didn't many of these same fans just now get indoor plumbing and light bulbs. Just kidding Nascar fan. And enjoy the left hand turns. And the other left hand turns.

13 year old Michelle Wie won the U.S. amateur women's publinx, the first of what I'm sure will be many titles. And she says she wants to play with the big boys also. Hear that Vijay? So when Michele Wie shows up, just say hello and keep your absurd comments to yourself. Any 13 year old girl who hits the ball 314 yards can play wherever she wants.

Congratulations to ole miss for courageously doing away with its mascot, colonel rebel. Why be so hasty, I mean it's only 2003. What school wouldn't be proud to have a plantation owner lead its team onto the field every Saturday afternoon? While you're at it, why don't you bust the Cleveland Indians and Washington redskins a call and see if you can get them to get rid of their equally offensive mascots and nicknames. Redskins?! I don't think we have to worry about the New York Blackskins or L.A. Jews do we?

I don't care what it did in its opening weekend, I am not down with the hulk. Enough of the comic book movies already. Besides, what is this guy's so-called super power? He snaps, turns green and smashes things. Superman can at least fly. Batman has a cool sled. Spiderman can stick to the side of a wall. The hulk is a jerk with a bad attitude, who rips his shirts and breaks things. He's not a superhero, he's a drunk in a bar. And nice computer animation:. Seriously, it looks truly realistic. Not at all ridiculous. Sort of like shrek on roids.

55 year old George Foreman said before the Lewis-Klitchko fight that if Klitchko were to win, he'd want a piece of him. Translated: I've made about 9 zillion dollars selling my George Foreman frying pan and I'm going to float my name out there so I can make 9 zillion more. Talk about insincere: this guy makes Sammy Sosa look like will Rogers. He wants no part of either Lewis or Klitchko. That would be senior abuse.

Kiss guitarist ace Fehely no showed at a rock and roll fantasy camp after he fell down some stairs. Those dudes must be getting pretty old if they're falling down stairs. Aren't old ladies the only ones who fall down stairs. I can remember rushing to the store for kiss alive ii, so I could play Detroit rock city for hours on end, never even knowing that these guys had no musical ability. Remember, that ridiculous rap that they had never been seen in public without their makeup. Then their records tanked, so they had to break out the cold cream. Now like everything else, they're cool again, so they had Johnny Bench break out the Chrylon. One question, was ace wearing his mime get up when he took that header. Get well, a.

Memo to reds pitcher Paul Wilson: if you think someone is throwing at you, you better go out there and do something about it. If you're going to go, go. Wilson recently gestured at cubs pitcher Kyle Farnsworth, who wasn't about to wait for Wilson to get out to his office. Instead, he charged the plate, urlachered him into the turf and caught him with a textbook right hand on the way down. It was basically, the best, or worst, depending on how you see these things, headkicking we've seen in the majors since Nolan Ryan abused Robin Speedbag Ventura. Anytime I see a benches clearing brawl, I always say the same thing: these guys are hilarious: they don't even want to fight. Well, Kyle Farnsworth does. Just ask Paul Wilson and his bloody grill.

And finally, if celebrity boxing isn't the worst idea of all time, then pay per view celelbrity boxing is. Reportedly, , Orenthal j. Simpson was negotiating to fight Joey Buttafuco. Just what the world needs: a Heisman trophy winner turned accused double murderer fighting a guy who had an affair with a 16 year old who shot his wife in the face. Buttafuco might even take a tune-up fight with female wrestler Nicole Bass. : what's with this guy, he already laid a beat down on female wrestler, China.. Speaking of China: she appeared on a my show once, gave me a nice little peck on the cheek after the show. Very charming, but, . I didn't know whether to be aroused or revolted. But I digress. Let me just see if I have this right: you want me to watch two repulsive human beings fight. And you want me to pay for the right to see it. I'd rather take all my money and light it on fire than give a single cent to either one of these guys. What belt does the winner get? Worst human being ever?

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