That's not true. The crazy girls are the problem. But they always find out what I do, always end up Googling me and reading the column, always end up mentioning it.
"Ha-ha. Hope you don't mention me like the Karaoke Girl," they'll say.
"Ha-ha. Just don't turn out to be crazy!" I say.
Then we'll laugh because we both know she's not crazy, right?
So I have to wait on the stories and mix them up so as to protect, well, not so much the innocent, but rather the unbalanced and nutty and still in possession of my cell phone number.
There are a bunch. I'll try to spread them out over the next few weeks, but a short fun one involves a girl I met on the World Wide Web. We write, then we instant message, then we talk on the phone, then we meet, then we go back to my apartment.
In fact, we hang out at my apartment and play video game football a few times. She's pretty good.
OK, so we've gone out on four or five dates at this point when we're talking on the phone:
Me: How are you?
Her: Totally exhausted.
Me: Oh yeah? Why?
Her: Because my physical therapist came over and we were up all night long.
OK, you know how you are at the blackjack table, and you've been winning for a while? And then you start a losing streak. And you know -- you just know -- the smart thing here is to get up from the table. You've had your fun, time to get out while you're still in the black.
I don't know about you, but I have that thought every single time. And I never get up.
Me: So, uh, were you doing physical therapy?
Her: (Laughs) You could call it that.
Me: What would you call it?
Her: The best video game football session I've ever had. I spent the morning apologizing to my neighbors because we were whooping it up so much.
My mom taught me it is rude to just hang up the phone on someone before saying goodbye. But I couldn't get a word in edgewise to do so. She kept going, taking me through the whole night, describing every single amazing play this guy made.
It was like what?! Who does that? Seriously. Not that we were exclusive or anything. It's just the fact that she decided to tell me about it.
So after we hang up, she texts me. I swear I am not making this up.
Her text: Hey, don't worry.
My text back: I'm not.
Text: Because the reason I told you that is because I'm falling for you. Hard.
What?! No, seriously what?! I'd be a bit weirded out by someone "falling for me hard" after only a few dates, anyway But then that? I didn't know how to respond to that last text, so I just said "Gosh, thanks" and left it at that. She continued to text me for like a month afterward. Seriously, she was nuts but a helluva Madden player.
Anyways, let's get to some reactions to Week 13.
That as great as Joseph Addai has been, the past two weeks have been not so good. His six-point effort cost me a division title in one league and might cost me a playoff spot in another if Randy Moss scores more than 15 on Monday night.
That Anthony Gonzalez came back to Earth. Some of that was the Jaguars defense, but some of that was on A-Gonz. (I call him A-Gonz). Wayne and Clark are the only two Colts you can trust, and no, I don't think Harrison will come back anytime this season.
That it was nice to see another good game from Fred Taylor and to see Maurice Jones-Drew get back on track, but the story here was David Garrard. The man has at least 15 fantasy points in four of his past five games and is still available in 60 percent of ESPN.com standard leagues.
That he didn't get a score, but Reggie Williams had a solid day (4 for 69). He's a decent start this week versus Carolina.
That I have to figure out which lucky guest I am inviting to the ESPN Holiday Party by Tuesday. I have a long list of who it's not going to be.
That Fred Jackson was not a one-week wonder. OK, he would be if Lynch comes back this week. But we liked him in limited action in Week 12 and now he showed he could handle the full load. He has a great matchup this week, as well.
That someone should start a Free Jerious blog. Seriously, what does Jerious Norwood have to do to get the starting gig?
That if I were in a deep, 16-team man's league type league, I'd consider Chris Redman if he gets the start this week at home against New Orleans. Redman played under Bobby Petrino at Louisville (when Petrino was the offensive coordinator), and I've just always liked him a bit. Roddy White certainly did.
That I can't believe Eric Mangini ran up the score on the Dolphins. Seriously, no class. Just like the Gooch.
That I bet some of you just got all angry and were about to send me a long note filled with misspelled words. Ha! I'm kidding. Calm down. Send me angry notes about how a fantasy column is no place for lame love life stories.
That not only am I excited about Thomas Jones getting his first score of the season, but I say he gets No. 2 this week against Cleveland.
That you won't see that again from Leon Washington.
That this seems as good a place as any to discuss other running back mirages: Shaun Alexander's 3.3 yards-per-carry average did not impress me. Nor did Travis Henry's 3.3 yards-per-carry average. Both looked very mediocre, and for the rest of the season, I'd prefer to have Maurice Morris and Selvin Young, respectively.
That this is why we said sell high on Kevin Jones. He gets Dallas, San Diego, Kansas City and Green Bay at Lambeau the rest of the way. Only Kansas City is a decent matchup.
That I don't see Calvin Johnson stepping up with Roy Williams out. Every time I recommend a player I hate but feel he has a good matchup (Calvin, Eli, etc.), he turns out to be a dog. Sigh. I'll stick with my instincts on the players I hate.
That it wasn't a ton of yards (83), but Kolby Smith averaged 4 yards per carry and looked decent against San Diego. Better yet, he gets the Broncos' terrible run defense this week.
That bummed as I am about Sean Taylor and my friend Ray Kalusa (thanks to all for the nice notes) I also have a bit of sadness for Evel Knievel. There was a time in my young life when I wanted to be Evel. Then I realized I tend to bruise easily. Still He was the man. RIP, Evel.
That I am riding the Gus Bus this week if he gets the start against the Bengals.
That it's worth noting that Alge Crumpler had seven receptions.
That I thought JaMarcus Russell looked very, very good. I bet he'll be a factor sooner than later.
That sure, now the Cardinals defense shows up.
That yes, this is why we believed in the other Adrian Peterson. Not a fluke.
That I am not worried about Marques Colston (result of the Tampa Bay defense) or T.J. Houshmandzadeh (should have had a touchdown but dropped it), but I am a little worried about Plaxico Burress and Reggie Bush. Burress because of his quarterback, Bush because of his knees.
That Kevin Curtis is 16th in fantasy scoring among wide receivers. Yes, he had one crazy week, but he also has been solid more often than not.
You can be my cyberfriend and read my personal blog here: http://myespn.com/MatthewBerry.
Matthew Berry -- The Talented Mr. Roto -- is ESPN's senior director of fantasy in charge of content. He was just as surprised as you to find out it's a real job. He is a four-time Fantasy Sports Writers Association award winner and the only writer in the industry with wins in multiple sports (NFL, MLB, NBA). Be sure to check him out every Sunday on "ESPNEWS Fantasy Insider" at 11 a.m. ET.