"Hi everybody, I'm robot Al Michaels."
"And I'm reanimated Brent Musberger. Welcome to our worldswide pregame coverage of UniBowl 2095."
"And to celebrate AmeriCa's One Great Game, we begin today with a special welcome for our drones and surrogates in service around the worlds. Thank you for everything you do! Especially for not turning on your human operators and killing every one of us with your powerful mechanical claws."
"And a great big howdy to 2.6 billion brand new viewers in our 161st state, the New New Texas. Y'all newbies can catch the simulcast in Mandarin by thinking 'hologram SAP.' Ni hao, pardners."
"Indeed. Stay with us, because we'll be back with rosters, forecasts and the official government betting lines as presented by the rUS Department of Football right after this."
"Consume Wasser-Tao Wasser-Tao Wasser-Tao beer. The one beer to have when you're having more than one. Because it is the one remaining beer."
"Not like a rock. The all-new 2095 AutoTao Bulge is in no way like a rock. Now available for 0 down with 0 percent financing and less than 70,000 rUS Dollars each month. Consume AutoTao cars and trucks and become incrementally more efficient in your transit."
"Brent, if I had glands or internal organs of any kind, those beer commercials sure would make me thirsty."
"Darn right, pardner. Those were the good old days, weren't they? Yessir! Let's get down to the field now and check in with Clone Kirk Herbstreit. Clone Herbie?"
"Thanks, guys. In fact, that's the theme of our pregame show this year. The Good Old Days! How did the reUnited States UniBowl become the most watched sporting event in the history of planet Earth and the Outer Colonies?
"Well, we have to go all the way back to the beginning of the 21st century. Back before the Chicago Cubs posted 12 consecutive World Series wins. Back before college football merged with the NFL. Back before the sale of licensed Guy Fawkes masks to anarchists made OneTaoMonoCorp so rich and powerful it overtook every corporation on Earth.
"Back before the Secession and Reacquisition of California, back before the Northern Porn Wars of 2033 and the Great Sports Absorption of 2061; back past all of that to some dark, dark days of confusion and upset.
"Back to when the College Football Conference Wars began in earnest in the year 2015."
"That was the year scientists discovered the 'Great Divide,' wasn't it, Clone Herbie?"
"That's right, Undead Brent. It was proved beyond question that if you dropped a vast amount of money from the sky, it ran down the Continental Divide just like water: half to the East and half to the West. That meant athletic conferences would have to be created along those same lines. It was scientific fact, and our last logical choice. That's when the mad scramble to reshuffle and consolidate the profit centers of college football really began."
"And there'd already been so much bloodshed."
"Right again, Robot Al. Remember, as crazy as it sounds now, at one time there were hundreds of teams in scores of conferences in this country. Thousands of colleges scrambling for billions of dollars, betraying one another, jumping wantonly from conference to conference, politicking, backstabbing, lying, cheating, creating and destroying new conferences every few years without loyalty or purpose or pity. Madness!"
"Sad days for these reUnited States, Herbie."
"Think of the inefficiencies, Al! The lives and dollars lost! The squandered scholarships! Think of all the young people taken up in that epic battle between SEC 100 and Conference Cobain in 2025. The breaching of the Treaty of Happy Valley -- and the nuclear response from Ann Arbor. Those were trying times indeed for the Epstein presidency."
"Millions may have been lost, guys, but it's how all teams became just two teams. How all colleges became just two colleges. How all games become the one game. Like a rose rising from the dust, it's how we all found peace. East and West. It's who we are now. And that's why our One Great Game begins with a moment of silence before we sing."
"It's really the whole beautiful story of AmeriCalifornia, isn't it, Clone Herbie?"
"It sure is, Zombie Brent."
"Brent, Herbie, at times like these, I think we'd all agree it's important to remember our national motto. So to you AmeriCalifornia, I say 'Shut up and drive.'"
"Here here, gentlemen. 'Shut up and drive.'"
"'Shut up and drive' indeed."
"Fellas, I'm not ashamed to say I'm a little choked up."
"Me too, Al. It's like the first time I ever saw Robot Brett Favre take the field. He played like a little robot kid out there! I remember it like it was yesterday -- because I'm programmed to do so."
"We'll be back with the reading of the names and odds and the singing of our national launch codes right after this."
Jeff MacGregor is a senior writer for ESPN.com and ESPN The Magazine. You can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org, or follow his Twitter.com feed @MacGregorESPN.