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To this point, you're slow to make reads at the line of scrimmage, and with that Tebow-esque throwing motion, you're slow to get rid of the ball. So you leave the pocket and improvise with your feet -- which has a long-term success rate of approximately 0.0 percent. I once asked Troy Polamalu about stopping athletic quarterbacks, and he just smiled and said, "It's easy; you can hit anyone out of their scheme if you hit them hard enough."

The Browns ranked ninth in the league in total defense last season. Of course, this being the Browns they decided to change it up, again, switching coordinators and philosophies, a makeover that usually requires a year or two to acquire the right personnel. Until then, you'll probably need to score 35 points per game to win.

Since taking over as the Steelers' defensive coordinator in 2004, Dick LeBeau has destroyed rookie QBs. During that span, first-year signal callers are 1-12 against the Steelers with seven TDs and 15 INTs. Starting your career against the Steelers is like getting your first major league at-bat against Randy Johnson.

Josh Gordon, your All-Pro wideout, is serving a season-long ban for violating the league's substance abuse policy. The explosive, gifted Gordon racked up 1,646 yards and nine TDs last season in just 14 games. Without him drawing double-teams and help from safeties, your receiving corps is the league's easiest group to cover.

On a recent trip to the fan shop inside the Browns' stadium, I counted more than a dozen varieties of Manziel T-shirts -- including an orange women's V-neck that read "My Man Ziel." Anyway, because of the rookie salary cap and your myriad marketing deals, you're actually worth more off the field than on it right now. Which means your only job for the foreseeable future is to be Cleveland's biggest Brian Hoyer fan.