Kickoff Week for the 2016 college football season is nothing less than epic. Peer into our crystal ball as we envision how it might play out.

Kickoff Week for the 2016 college football season is nothing less than epic. Peer into our crystal ball as we envision how it might play out.


7:30 a.m. ET

How about some Irish breakfast in bed?

Boston College and Georgia Tech kick off in Dublin, Ireland. So that means one needs a full Irish breakfast: bacon, sausages, eggs, black-and-white pudding and Irish brown bread. Guinness is optional, though it might help you get into the spirit of things. Wonder how that outstanding Boston College defense will look without coordinator Don Brown -- now at Michigan with Jim Harbaugh -- against Paul Johnson's triple-option attack? OK, we'll have that Guinness. And maybe a Jameson chaser?

Noon ET

Harbaugh? Harbaugh! HARBAUGH!

Upon hearing that Hawaii had traveled nearly 10,000 miles while opening its season against Cal in Australia on Aug. 26, then flying to Ann Arbor for its second game, Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh says in a pregame interview that he flies 10,000 miles everyday. "Er, you mean walk 10,000 steps everyday?" the reporter asks. "No," Harbaugh barks. "I just flew 10,000 miles. And, no, my arms aren't tired."

12:30 p.m. ET

Houston's hoping for some posing

Houston QB Greg Ward Jr. announces himself as a Heisman Trophy candidate and the Cougars as a potential Group of 5 force with two early touchdown passes against No. 3 Oklahoma. New College Football Playoff selection committee chair Kirby Hocutt calls former chair Jeff Long to see if he wants his old job back.

1:15 p.m. ET

Okay, not so fast, Cougars

Answering Ward Jr.'s Heisman statement, Baker Mayfield leads the Sooners to 21 unanswered points against the Cougars and silences the NRG Stadium crowd. Hocutt lets out a deep breath and decides to have a Guinness.

1:35 p.m. ET

Your inspiration for the day (month? decade?)

Panthers running back James Conner completes his comeback from Hodgkin lymphoma with a 12-yard touchdown run against Villanova. The crowd goes bonkers, and by crowd, we mean every single college football fan in this country.

3:25 p.m. ET

No Lambeau Leaps, but Les will love the grass!

LSU coach Les Miles samples the grass at Lambeau Field before his Tigers take on Wisconsin. "Well," he says. "I love the deep, traditional flavor and bouquet of Kentucky bluegrass, but the Desso GrassMaster synthetic reinforcement provides an unpleasant aftertaste."

3:35 p.m. ET

And now for your matchup of the day...

Know the classic three-man showdown at the end of "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" -- Blondie vs. Angel Eyes vs. Tuco? That's UCLA QB Josh Rosen vs. Texas A&M defensive ends Myles Garrett and Daeshon Hall. Or is it Rosen vs. Garrett vs. UCLA offensive tackle Conor McDermott? And who gets the winner's line: "You see in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig?" That, my friends, is why we watch.

5 p.m. ET

Breaking: Tiger runs over 11 Badgers

LSU running back Leonard Fournette piles up 96 yards by halftime against the Badgers, thereby eclipsing what Wisconsin's run defense yielded a season ago per game. New LSU defensive coordinator Dave Aranda, the Badgers' 2015 coordinator, tries not to look smug on the sidelines during much of the Tigers' blowout victory.

5:45 p.m. ET

Dear remote control, I love you

Pause for a moment, as you switch your attention from LSU-Wisconsin to UCLA-Texas A&M to North Carolina-Georgia and back again, to wonder how the world functioned before HD TV, the recall button on the remote, screen-within-a-screen, your phone doubling as a TV and giant monitors stacked upon one another. Sure, the wheel, internal combustion engine and telephone were great inventions, but devices that empowered the college football fan are the true signs of an advanced civilization.

6:25 p.m. ET

Saturday weather in Sumlinville: Hot and humid

Rosen throws the shovel to Garrett. "You dig," he says. Actually, he throws four touchdown passes as the Bruins slip the homesteading Aggies, bringing about two Hot Takes: 1. Rosen is a Heisman Trophy candidate; 2. Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin is our first big-time coach thrust upon the hot seat.

7:10 p.m. ET

Move along, nothing to see here

Wait … Rhode Island is playing Kansas! Must avert … eyes.

7:45 p.m. ET

A-C-C! A-C-C!

Breaking news: Kirby Smart isn't Nick Saban. Or, to be more fair, Georgia is not Alabama. With Nick Chubb still not fully Nick Chubb after a 2015 knee injury, and the Bulldogs offensive line unable to take advantage against a questionable North Carolina defensive front seven, the Tar Heels make a statement that the ACC is not just Clemson, Florida State and the 12 dwarfs.

8:47 p.m. ET

Ouch, that glare is going to leave a mark

Lane Kiffin has turned to stone on the Alabama sideline after a glare from Saban -- the Crimson Tide offensive coordinator petrified, his face captured with pursed lips while emitting a "Whoops." After 10 consecutive running plays behind a dominant offensive line pushed Alabama to USC's 22-yard line, Kiffin opted to throw into the end zone to Calvin Ridley, but Cooper Bateman's pass was intercepted by Adoree' Jackson and returned 100 yards for a touchdown.

8:50 p.m. ET

Hmm, what to do, Auburn fans?

Jackson's interception return is replayed on the video board at Jordan-Hare Stadium while Auburn and Clemson enjoy a TV timeout. Tigers fans are flummoxed. They feel they should cheer against hated rival Alabama. But can they cheer for USC -- which stomped them in 2003, stole the 2004 national title from them and represents the hated, quinoa-eating, snobby Pac-12 -- against their SEC brethren? A vote is taken, and the general feeling is that it would be best if AT&T Stadium were sucked into the earth and neither program is heard from again.

10:50 p.m. ET

The empire strikes back … again

Saban politely requests that AT&T Stadium officials turn off the Darth Vader "Imperial March" music that played as he entered his postgame news conference after a 35-20 victory over USC. He then quietly hums the tune to his Coke bottle before taking questions.


Need a thesaurus, asap, please

Deshaun Watson throws three touchdown passes and runs for another in a win at Auburn, and you ponder just how many adjectives relating awesomeness will be used to describe the Clemson QB over the course of the season. Or whether Clemson should allow him to don an orange cape during games.

12:03 a.m. ET

Late night with the Pac-12!

Bedtime? Heck no! Pac-12 after dark!

2:03 a.m. ET

So. Much. Football

You stare bleary-eyed into the mirror. Going 20 or so hours with multiple reapplications of face paint has left you looking like a cross between Darth Maul and David Puddy in the 109th episode of Seinfeld. It's indescribably satisfying.

7:30 p.m. ET

What, you thought we were finished?

You sleep all day. Not because you want to but because you owe it to college football. One mustn't be any less engrossed in Notre Dame's visit to Texas than you were during peak form on Saturday.

10:30 p.m. ET

Bevo, BBQ and Buechele's debut

Texas wins! The Longhorns are back! Freshman QB Shane Buechele announces himself as the "Next Big Thing," thereby earning the greatest honor Austin, Texas, can bestow: a front-of-the-line pass at Franklin Barbecue.

8:10 p.m. ET

Come on, pick yourself up off the mat

You feel like Rocky getting off the canvas in the 14th round of his first fight with Apollo Creed. You say, "It doesn't matter if this college football weekend opens my head. I just want to go the distance."

10:56 p.m. ET

Down goes the SEC!

Florida State rolls over Ole Miss, giving the ACC a 3-0 record against the SEC on this epic opening weekend. The world has turned upside down. What's next? Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together … mass hysteria!

11 p.m.

That's a wrap, everybody

It's over. Fin. Two words: total exhaustion.

11:01 p.m.

Or is it?

Wait a second … Louisville at Syracuse, 8 p.m. ET, ESPN2, Friday, Sept. 9. That might be cool.

by Ted Miller

Illustrations by Greg Kletsel

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