by DJ Gallo
Also Receiving Votes
- Guy I never heard of (Dustin McGowan) has no-hitter broken up in the ninth by guy I never heard of (Jeff Baker)
- Ken Griffey Jr. avoids stepping on any needles while passing Mark McGwire on all-time home run list
- Hunter Mahan got his first PGA win by stalking the Travelers Championship course like a uh, hunter
- Odds on why Marion Jones went broke:
- 5 to 1 Her ex-husband, C.J. Hunter, spent their life savings to create -- and later eat -- the world's largest hoagie
- 3 to 1 It was very expensive to remove the huge asterisk tattoo the IOC put on her forehead
- 2 to 1 She just discovered that most gold medals are not 100 percent gold
Not In This Issue
- College World Series called the "World Series of college"
- Federer challenges Nadal to Wimbledon final on half-grass, half-grass court
- Roger Clemens' middle relief appearance has Scott Proctor eyeing $22 million contract
- Who Made A Boring Weekend Of Sports A Little Less Boring
U.S. Men's Soccer
The U.S. men's soccer team defeated Mexico 2-1 yesterday to win the Gold Cup again. And not only did we win the Gold Cup again, that's now nine wins in the last 12 meetings against Mexico. Now, I'm not one who is in favor of building a wall between the United States and Mexico, but soon we will be able to build a wall with nothing but our Gold Cups. Oh! Smack! (Or in Spanish: Oh! Bofetada!)
Oregon State beat North Carolina last night to become the first back-to-back College World Series champions since LSU in 1996 and 1997. Since the Beavers could easily win three in a row next year, I suggest their rivals hire this company I found on the Internet: Beaver Solutions. According to its Web site, the company is a "leading expert in resolving human/beaver conflicts." I just hope they don't condone beating beavers with baseball bats.
Juan Pablo Montoya
Juan Pablo Montoya scored his first Nextel Cup victory yesterday, taking first on the road course in Sonoma. The Colombian's win is the first by a non-American on the circuit in 33 years. And, if I recall "Talladega Nights" accurately, when the foreign driver started winning, Will Ferrell stripped down and started running around the track. So who will Montoya's success drive to insanity and nakedness? (Please say Carl Edwards. Please say Carl Edwards. D-ream-boat! In fact, he should give up cars and race dreamboats for a living.)
Not only is Vince Spadea an American, male tennis player -- which is embarrassing enough right now -- he fancies himself a rapper, too. His signature line is -- and I'm not making this up: "I'm Vinny Spadea. I ain't afraid of ya." Interesting. But I would have gone with a different signature line -- drop that beat: "My name is Vincent I'm a tool." (OK, yes. That is terrible and doesn't rhyme, per se. But it's no worse than Spadea's actual "raps.")
Give Roger Clemens this: He's at least trying to earn his contract. Clemens pitched one inning of relief yesterday in New York's loss to the Giants, taking the mound instead of doing his scheduled off-day throwing session. Why? "Any chance I can give the bullpen guys a chance to rest -- they've been taxed," Clemens said. No doubt. It tires a bullpen when its highest-profile starter can't make it through seven innings -- and sometimes not through five. The Yankees should totally spend big money on a starter who can eat up innings.
Los Angeles Dodgers
The Dodgers may have spent the weekend in a haunted hotel in Tampa. The hotel has spooked many major leaguers in the past, as well, including Pittsburgh Pirates who checked out. (Ah! I see Pittsburgh Pirates in the mirror!) Dodgers pitcher Chad Billingsley refused to talk about it, however, even though he reportedly heard his toilet flush numerous times. I can see why. The ghost probably told him: "Tell anyone that smell was from me and I'll kill you."
The Hawks have new uniforms and new logos. "I think it'll help people look at us differently," team executive vice president Lou DePaoli said. "They'll look at the new uniforms and the logo and hopefully think, 'Oh, I like that.'" Yes, Lou, I'm sure the nine people in Atlanta who know what the Hawks' uniform looks like will be blown away. But what I'm concerned about is the angry-looking side view of the Hawks' logo. It reminds me of the angry-looking Falcons logo. And between the two of them, I'm worried Michael Vick may come up with the idea to start a bird fighting ring.
John Smoltz And Chipper Jones
Good news, everyone: John Smoltz and Chipper Jones have resolved their dispute. There will be peace in our time. Braves manager Bobby Cox arranged a meeting between his two stars yesterday and they ironed out their differences. And lucky for Smoltz, because you do not want to be on the bad side of a guy named "Chipper." For example, if it gets chilly out on his daddy's yacht, he may not lend you the argyle sweater he has tied around his neck.
Greg Norman And Chris Evert
Greg Norman has settled his divorce dispute with his ex-wife, agreeing to give Laura Norman one-third of his $300 million fortune. The deal means his current girlfriend, Chris Evert, will not be called to testify in court. That's right: Greg Norman and Chris Evert are dating. Who knew? Too bad they are probably past the child-rearing age, because they could create a golf-tennis superstar -- the ultimate country club kid. They could name him "Chipper."
Monday June 25
Wimbledon: 8 am, ESPN
Just for the sake of clarity, this is coverage of the world's most prestigious tennis tournament, not a showing of that pile of dung starring Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany.
Cardinals at Mets: 7 pm, ESPN2
Mike Maroth is set to make his first start for the Cardinals after being acquired from Detroit on Friday for a player to be named later. The player has yet to be named, but if it was up to me, I would name him "Max Power." Sounds strong and intimidating. Who would want to face Max Power in a clutch situation? That's right. No one.
Tony Parker on "Late Show With David Letterman": 11:35 pm, CBS
Letterman's guests tonight are Bruce Willis, Parker and diving dogs on 53rd Street. Manu Ginobili will also appear to take dives on 53rd Street.