Sports bloodsuckers drain fans of lifeforce

Tue, Dec 29

From the "Twilight" fang-gang teens to economic bloodsuckers on Wall Street, 2009 was the Year of the Vampire.

Who in the sports world most fit the coffin-closin', plasma-jonesin' bill? Glad you asked:

The Leslie Nielsen's "Dracula" Award

Criteria: Undead...and loving it.

Winner: Brett Favre.

Credentials: Minnesota Vikings quarterback impervious to garlic, sunlight, wooden stakes, retirement papers, torn biceps muscles, full-on media circuses and Brad Childress' strongly-worded sideline suggestions.

Brett Favre
Jonathan Daniel/Getty ImagesNot really sad at all, Brett Favre cries tears that prolong his career and protect him from sunlight.

The Greed is Good Award

Criteria: Financial vampirism.

Winner: Useless -- yet tall -- NBA frontcourt players.

Credentials: Jared Jeffries ($6 million, 4.0 ppg), Erick Dampier ($12 million, 8.5 ppg), Eddy Curry ($10 million, 3.7 ppg) and others should qualify their respective franchises for TARP funds.

The Tom Cruise Lestat Award

Criteria: Overhyped and disappointing.

Winner: Michael Vick.

Credentials: Dogfighting! Prison! Redemption! Wildcat! Four months later, does anyone care? Awful lot of sound and fury for four yards per carry on spot duty.

The Van Helsing Award

Criteria: Overpriced and incomprehensible.

Winner: Washington D.C.'s pro football and basketball teams.

Credentials: Stumbling Wizards sport $78.6 million payroll but lack a single above-average defender; capsized Redskins have $105 million in player contracts and nary an offensive line to show for it. Both bring to mind the 2004 Hugh Jackman film, which had oodles of FX and zero plot.

The Lost Boys Award

Criteria: Scary at the time -- but in retrospect, seems mildly majorly ludicrous.

Winner: Ron Artest.

Credentials: Even considering the Malice at the Palace, America was really afraid of this guy?

The Blade Award

Criteria: Can play by day, but more lethal by night.

Winner: Rich Harden.

Credentials: At one point in September, the Chicago Cubs pitcher was 2-5 during day games and 6-3 at night. In 2008, he won twice as many games after dark. Ought to pitch in a Hefnerian smoking jacket.

The Count von Count Award

Criteria: Good with numbers.

Winner: Dan Snyder.

Credentials: Forget the Redskins' well-chronicled on-field dysfunction; according to Newsweek, Washington makes more money ($345 million) than any other pro sports franchise in the country. Who needs .500?

The Robert Pattinson Award

Criteria: Dangerously sexy, but ultimately non-threatening.

Winner: Mark Sanchez.

Credential: Glamour rookie QB was NFL draft darling and GQ model, yet vast reserves of poise and handsomeness have translated into 20 INT's and a 63.2 passer rating.