What if Simon Cowell were a sports critic?

Tue, Jan 12
CowellAP Photo/Rene MacuraWhat would the sports world be like if Simon Cowell were a critic?

Simon Cowell is leaving "American Idol" after this season. He plans to bring his British TV hit, "The X Factor," to the Colonies, but suppose that falls through? Despite his riches, he will still need an outlet for his sarcastic wit because it's no fun sitting at home and being a sarcastic wit when nobody is listening, right, gang? Here is a suggestion: Why doesn't Cowell become a sports commentator? Lord knows, it would be like shooting ducks in a bathtub for Simon.

• To Mark McGwire: "Now you say you regret using steroids? Does that mean you would have been happier as a 170-pound home run hitter?"

• To Tom Brady: "The way you performed, even Paula wouldn't touch you."

• To Bill Belichick: "For God's sake, man, burn that skullcap with the fuzzy ball on top. No wonder the Ravens were laughing at you."

• To Gilbert Arenas: "Wanna be a judge? Without Paula, the show is seriously lacking in potential crazy."

• To Arizona Cards kicker Neil Rackers: "You, sir, are the luckiest man alive."

• To the Buffalo Bills: "Why don't you offer your head-coaching job to Ellen? She knows as much about football as she does singing."

• To Snickers: "If I see that 'I wonder where my hunger went?' commercial one more time, I will come to your office and throw up on your floor. And I'm not even German."

• To Shaq: "Thanks for kissing actor Daniel Baldwin in the stands the other night. If nothing else, now I know who Daniel Baldwin is."

• To Mike Tyson: "You were the guest host on 'Monday Night Raw' and nobody died? What a wasted opportunity."

• To Pete Carroll: "Only an idiot walks away from the golden goose. Wait a second … "