Meet performance-enhancing meat

Fri, Jan 29
Perky JerkyMary BuckheitThe latest performance-enhancing product on the market, Perky Jerky.

ASPEN, Colo. -- You know it's 2010 when someone asks you if you'd like some caffeinated beef jerky. The X Fest is forever known for its outside-the-bun thinking, with an abundance of event sponsor Taco Bell's Beefy 5-Layer Burritos and other meaty, manly favorites traditionally handed out to the ravenous masses at the base of Buttermilk Mountain. Of course, X Games fans are ravenous extremos, because they have dozens of energy-drink companies peddling their latest products in free cans of all shapes, sizes and degrees of buzz.

But kids of this decade are no dummies. They want to have their caffeine and eat it, too. Lucky for them, the jerks (that's what they go by) at the Performance Enhancing Meat Snacks Company in Denver finally figured out how to impregnate beef with guarana. Enter Perky Jerky, the world's first energy meat. Each two-ounce pack of Perky Jerky contains roughly 120 milligrams of caffeine; that's slightly less than the amount of octane in two standard energy drinks. Eat enough of these muttons and you can have the meat sweats and the caffeine shakes at the same time, kids.

Look out. I'm pretty sure this is what they call a gateway jerky.