"You know what, Mary?"
"We need a mascot."
"But Bill, we're a revered college. If we do this, we need to do it right."
"Oh yeah, certainly."
"So we're in agreement. This will be classy right?"
"Yes, but also badass."
"No, not badass."
"How about a griffin?"
"I don't think you're listening to me."
"A pantsless griffin it is!"
This sort of conversation is the only logical explanation we can imagine for how the College of William & Mary recently decided to adopt a half-naked griffin as its mascot.
But the school that educated Thomas Jefferson isn't the only one with an awesome mascot.
University of California at Santa Cruz: UCSC could have picked any other mascot and it would've been less gross, less weird and more appropriate to sports. But UC went with the Banana Slug.
Ohio State: Brutus the Buckeye really fought to take top honors in the Big Ten, considering his competition includes a hammer-wielding Boilermaker. But an actual buckeye is either a poisonous nut or a delicious chocolate-covered peanut butter ball. Either way, Brutus fights on.
Southern Illinois: When you think of Southern Illinois, why wouldn't you think of a dog originally found in Egypt and the Middle East? Really, name a reason, we dare you. Hence, the Salukis.
Stanford: Though the Cardinal don't have an official mascot, Stanford's band really stuck it to its Ivy league academic rivals in 1975 by picking the Tree. That is a large, sturdy piece of flora. BURN. Take that, league of schools with wimpy deciduous plants growing on the buildings.
But wait, the Ivy League is not to be outdone.
The gold medal of our non-medal competition goes to (drum roll please):
Dartmouth: All hail the Big Green's unofficial mascot, Keggy the Keg. The point of a mascot is simple: connect with fans. And who doesn't have a little Keggy in them? Haven't we all cheered with the little aluminum barrel that could? Haven't we all shed a tear when Keggy fell flat on game day? For that, Keggy, you beat out Dartmouth's other two unofficial mascots, an Indian and a moose.