Dear Wannabe Detroit Lions Cheerleaders,
So, we read about your conundrum in the Detroit News: a group of female dancers who call themselves the Detroit Pride, have their own uniforms and want to become the official cheerleading squad for the Lions ... only the franchise has never had cheerleaders, going all the way back to 1934, and for some inexplicable (at least to us) reason doesn't want any now, which means the team is allowing you into Ford Field this Sunday only under the following restrictions:
• No performing organized cheers;
• No obstructing fan views;
• No taking photos with fans in groups of more than two;
• No wearing "Honolulu Blue."
In short, the Lions are perfectly happy to have attractive women in cheerleader costumes attend their games, just as long as said scantily clad attractive women are not actually cheerleading. To which we say: No. No. A thousand times no. The Lions can -- and will! -- do whatever they feel like doing. (See Millen, Matt, longtime gainful employment). But the Pride? You can do better.
You can do better with us.
Page 2 is rife with bells and whistles: a blog, Twitter feeds, cartoons, video, those creepy-yet-mesmerizing floating columnist heads. But we've never had our own cheer squad. Never even considered it. Until now. Think about it. It's a perfect match. A win-win, really. You want to cheer and dance. Gotta cheer and dance. You just need a platform. A little appreciation. We can offer both. A lot of appreciation, actually. (You've read TMQ, right?)
Like the Lions, we have no plans to actually pay you; unlike the Lions, we definitely will let you cheer. And isn't that its own reward? Go ahead: synchronize your high kicks. Perform a "Thriller"-inspired routine on Halloween. (You will be dressed as sexy pirates, correct?) Take cheerful group photos. Wave your pompoms in our faces when we're on deadline. Obstruct our views of the latest Brett Favre news all you like. Please.
Somehow, some way, we'll summon the courage to carry on.
Anyway, that's our proposal. Mull it over. Drop us a line. Help us help you. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship. And it sure beats us livening up the office by acquiring Mr. Met's head and a CO2 cannon. Which is probably against OSHA regulations.