Earth to Donald Sterling, come in Donald

Fri, Mar 18
Blake Griffin and Donald SterlingAndrew D. Bernstein/NBAE/Getty Images"Hello! Have we met? I'm Donald Sterling. I own the Clippers."

Dear Donald Sterling,

We hear you testified in court that when you hired Elgin Baylor to serve as the Los Angeles Clippers' general manager in 1986, you had no idea about his basketball background. Even though Baylor, is, you know, in the Hall of Fame. And also starred in Los Angeles, the same city you call home. Kinda embarrassing, right?

Thing is, we understand. The modern world can be a crazy, mixed-up, ever-changing place. It's hard to keep up. For instance: did you know that L.A. doesn't have a pro football team? Or that the Soviet Union collapsed? Or that people can send and receive letters with their computers without even using a fax machine or carrier pigeon?

Wild, isn't it? We know. But 100 percent true. All of it. In fact, there's some similar things we'd like to bring to your attention, in case you missed the memos -- and by the way, nobody uses paper memos anymore. Or Rolodexes, for that matter. FYI.

• Remember that actor Ronald Reagan? They named a whole airport after him. Also, he was President. Twice.

• Your pro basketball team does not play in San Diego.

• You can't buy New Coke, but you can still purchase Tab.

• After the end of the NBA season, not every team gets a lottery ping pong ball. Some clubs participate in a tournament called the playoffs.

• All the people talking to themselves aren't crazy. They're using small telephones. With no wires and no rotary dials. It's totally "Star Trek."

• David Stern doesn't have a mustache anymore. He's also become the second-most powerful man in the NBA. After you.

• Michael Jackson is dead, but Keith Richards is still alive.

• That fat point guard of yours that you keep heckling? He's not fat. And his name is Mo Williams.

Hope this helps.