Editor's note: Art Garfamudis originally wrote for Page 2 in 2008 before he retired to dedicate himself to preparing his safe house for any number of civilization-threatening crises. The depletion of his potable water, dried food and ammunition has lured him out of retirement to again present his unique perspective on the sports world in a new column, Art for Art's Sake.
Playing Mr. Fix-It to the sporting world
I like to fix things around my compound. Broken machine gun mount? I get out the J-B Weld and patch it up. Drawbridge dry rotted? I tear out the old planks, rip new ones on the table saw and throw 'em in place; problem solved. Observation tower leaning? Portable cement mixer to the rescue.
Naturally, this urge to fix things has to carry over to sports. None of them are perfect, you know. So what can be done to make them right? Well, I'm gonna tell you ...
Designated hitters: I'm in favor of them, except their runs should only count as half.
Pitching changes: Three per team per game. If you can't win a game with four pitchers, you deserve to lose. (Adjustments to rule for extra innings, of course.)
Throwing to first: Hey Mr. Pitcher, stop wasting my life while you throw repeatedly over to first to check down a guy with six career stolen bases. From now on, you get two throws over there per runner. Use them wisely.
Play clock: I like it, but I would make the allotted time shorter. Fans need more football for their money.
Punting: Let's face it: Punting is quitting. It's the football equivalent of tossing away your firearm and throwing your hands in the air yelling, "Please, don't shoot!" It's unmanly and undignified. Teams should have to go for it on each and every fourth down to prove their mettle.