Uncovering secret innovations at 49ers stadium

Fri, Mar 16

The 49ers' new stadium is projected to cost about $1.2 billion, which is a little more than four Derrick Rose shoe deals. It's been reported that $50 million of that money is going to finance secretive, not-yet-actualized technologies to appease all the dorkwads in Silicon Valley.

What could these technologies be? They're gonna have to be pretty spectacular to top the Tommy Bahama Decepticon the Marlins have assigned to survey center field. Page 2's undercover source in San Fran has been doing some snooping, and we've got the exclusive list of innovations that fans can look forward to in the new stadium.

• An intuitive Kiss Cam designed to automatically target precious elderly couples and enthusiastic fat guys who aren't afraid to slip tongue.

• Large, zero emission refrigeration units that relentlessly blast fans with frigid air to preserve Candlestick nostalgia.

• A laser projector that shows Kyle Williams where to put his hands on the ball when receiving a punt.

• A fleet of super stealthy WALL-Es to retrieve errant litter from the field.

• Filtered glass panels in front of luxury boxes so us regular folk don't have to look at rich jerks.

• Next-generation cup holders that, in addition to cups, can also hold bottles and balled-up hot dog wrappers.

• Cannon-like memory vaporizers that detect and eliminate any thoughts about Jerry Rice in a Raiders (or Seahawks) uniform.

• LEED gold-certified ushers made 100 percent from post-consumer waste.

• Waste receptacles genetically bred with sarlaccs that eat your trash and theoretically never have to be emptied.

• Video displays that are so high definition that you can see the blood coursing through Jim Harbaugh's anger veins.