Dear America: How are your brackets doing? People want to know!
If there is one thing we can take away from the first full day of the NCAA tournament, it's not the dearth of upsets -- it's that people are being too stingy with status updates on their brackets. Come on! Out with it!
Social media -- Twitter and Facebook are perfect for letting everyone know how you're doing. But don't just tell us once or twice throughout the day. We want to hear an update at least once or twice per game. Stuff like: "Oh, man. Come on, UConn! Pick it up. You're killing my bracket!" Or: "I knew VCU would win! My bracket is looking tight!" Or: "Good thing I didn't have Wichita State going far in my bracket." The more the better!
Small talk -- Tired of talking about the weather, "Mondays," "hump day," how you "gotta love Fridays" or "plans for the weekend?" Now you can fill the awkward silences with acquaintances by talking brackets! My plan for the weekend? Hoping my bracket doesn't get busted, of course!
Completely unrelated conversations -- Sometimes people don't know how to ask you about how your bracket is doing, so they'll talk about personal issues or school or work problems. You can save them and get the conversation back on its natural course with a smooth segue: "Sorry to hear that your grandmother died. How are you doing in your bracket? I pretty much nailed the East Region so far. I'm looking pretty good. All of my Final Four picks are alive."
Politics -- President Obama's bracket is the perfect cover for you to make large, sweeping political statements off the NCAA tournament. Are you a right-winger? Go with: "All the problems we have, yet he finds time to fill out a bracket? Ridiculous." Left-winger? Then you'll want to use this: "It really shows how much of a normal person he is that he does a bracket. He's got my vote." Truly non-partisan? Just talk extensively about how your bracket compares to his.